The Realist Online: Issue 6

The Realist Online: Issue 6

Bob gets a Serious Email and Freaks out

I recently visited the website www.godhatesfaos.com, a website put out by Pastor Fred Phillips and the congregation of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas (these are the same people who picketed Freddy Mercury’s funeral with posters proclaiming: “Freddy is burning in Hell” and “Thank God! One more fag gone!.” On the website, the first icon the reader sees is a warning sign: ‘Warning: Gospel Preaching Ahead.” The site creators list a bunch of Bible verses under various headings that eventually deduce the ultimate damnations of the “Sodomite dogs.” Here’s a sample of their Gospel Preachin’:
THE SODOMITES’ ONLY HOPE IS TO HAVE THE UNAMBIGUOUS TRUTH PREACHED TO THEM, AND PERHAPS GOD
WILL SOFTEN THEIR HEARTS AND GRANT THEM REPENTANCE TO DEPART FROM THEIR SIN AND NAME THE
NAME OF CHRIST. NOT VERY LIKELY, THOUGH, SINCE GOD HAS GIVEN TI-IEM UP.

This kind of ignorant hate really pisses me off. I don’t really understand what people like this are trying to accomplish. I would like to think that the people I know in Evangelical circles are not hate mongers. Although after I sat down and thought about my own church, my family upbringing, my youth group talks and my days at Bible college, I can’t see much difference between what was being shoved down my throat and the things on this disgusting website.

I remember the first time I heard the word “fag” used. I was eight years old and my brother and I were playing some kind of war game and I had disguised myself up as a woman to avoid being caught by the Gestapo. My mom came in the room and screamed, “Take off that blouse! What are you a fag or something?” I didn’t find out what “fag” meant until a couple of months later; I had to work up the courage to ask one of my friends on the playground. “Faggot” was a word used in my house by my parents all the time. We would be watching the news and my dad would say, “Look at those fags in their Gay parade. It’s just sick. They even allow them to teach in schools. Pretty soon it’ll just be okay to be a faggot.” My pastor preached against homosexuality from the pulpit, stating that the “disease of homosexuality” would be the downfall of our society and that “AIDS is God’s punishment.” My youth pastor told me that homosexuality is the worst sin because it is a sin against one’s own body — the body of Christ; therefore, it deserves the worst punishment: eternal condemnation.

Bible College did not really help me with the homosexuality issue either. Whenever I brought up the topic in class, my peers’ answers always boiled down to: “Hate the sin. Love the sinner.” It seemed like kind of a petty answer, while we are willing to label some things in the Bible some as “cultural”, “metaphorical”, or “grey areas”, suddenly, the Bible is black and white about the issue of homosexuality: “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own hands” (Leviticus 20:13).

I met my first gay man when I was twenty years old. He was the manager at my place of employment. I’ll call him Gary. I instantly made it my duty to save him from the burning fires of hell. His response to my preaching was, “I do not believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God; therefore, I do not feel inclined to follow the tenants set forth in the flawed work God created me the way I am: I am short, I have green eyes, and I’m gay. I was born gay. That is the way God created me. I have one partner, whom I love and am devoted to.” I could never really respond to my manager’s rebuttal. If there was a god and he created everyone with intent and purpose, why had he created Gary gay? And it always seemed to me that if Gary was created gay, he never had a chance to accept Jesus into his heart with the little sinner’s prayer.

Now I know what you are thinking. You are saying to yourself, “Homosexuality is a choice, no one is born gay.” Or maybe you are thinking that homosexuality is part of “the fall” and that while a person may have homosexual feelings, he or she must repent. Are you sure? Science is on a quest to find evidence of a genetic disposition to same-sex orientation. What if scientist find a “gay-gene”?

It seems that the Bible supports the notion that some individuals might be born gay. After all, the Bible states that there will be those who believe and no those who do not: ... but you do not believe because you are not my sheep My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they know me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:26-28). Reading Acts 13:48, it appears that Gary was damned from the day he was born: “When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.” Finally, Romans 9 had me swimming in the depths of Calvinism: “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort (or action, as I would argue), but on God’s mercy...Therefore, God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden” (verses 15-18).

While thinking about the issue of homosexuality and Christianity, I went to my bookshelf. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a great deal of information on homosexuality, let alone homosexuality and the Bible. My Catholic Catechism states: The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. They do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them rt is a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
- Catechism of the Catholic Church 2358 and 2359

I do not know if this offers me much help in trying to sort out the issue. If this is correct, God has pre-destined millions of people to lives of loneliness and others eternal condemnation. Those who are chaste, never experience the warmth and love of a monogamous relationship, yet those who pursue the physical act of love with a member of the same sex face judgment. Even if you decide to repent after partaking in the act of love, you will have to suffer in chastity. It just does not seem fair. Why should straight people get to enjoy sex and not homosexuals? Gut then, if there is a god, who am Ito say what is fair and what is not?

I’m sorry if you thought I would come to some conclusion by the end of this rant. There is none. I have not completed an in-depth exegesis on the passages that deal with homosexuality in the Bible. It would take months to sort through all the material, and I would probably still have no definite answers — I’ll leave all that trouble to Anglican scholars. I personally do not have a problem with homosexuality, and I do not label it a “sin.” In my opinion, if there is a god, she has created us in a specific way and we should live that way. I believe that the Bible is a flawed document and most of it cannot be taken at face value but that is what I feel. If you want to know why I feel that way, you can write me an email at and I’ll send you a long letter about my views (I won’t bore the rest of you Realist’s – I recognize that most of you would disagree with me and I respect your right to disagree with me.)

I can tell you what I believe homosexuality is not. It is not a demon that should be exorcised, it is not a choice that bad people make; it is not something that should be feared. I do know that statistically speaking, you probably have twenty-five to thirty people attending your school right now who are gay, bi-sexual, bi-curious, or transgender. Statistically speaking, you probably also have a professor who is gay, bi-sexual, or transgender. The issue of homosexuality is something all Christian schools must deal with. I would suggest that an atmosphere of compassion and understanding be developed to help individuals dealing with confusing issues. If you are a Christian and you have never met a bi-sexual man or a transgender woman, you should attend a gay-straight alliance meeting at a Church or University to broaden your horizons (check out the web, See Magazine, or Vu for postings). Hiding in a bubble won’t make the issue go away. At the very least please refrain from using offensive jargon like “fag” or “dyke”—just because you believe a given life-style is wrong does not give you right to breed hate. I’ve recently had a long talk with members of my immediate family concerning the etymologies of some of their favorite hate words.

Well, I’m reading over this long rant and it seems that it has lost its point. Once again, please do not be offended by the picture and caption on page 5, it was put in to illustrate the fears a gay man goes through in Christian college dorms. If you think you may be offended, don’t read page 5, just skip over it! We at The Realist are not gay-bashers and we wish to harbor an atmosphere of respect and dignity for all people. If you are confused about your own sexual-orientation or gender identity, please get in touch with people who can share their own experiences with you. Get help; you are not alone. Thanks to Jerry for having the courage to send the caption in.

- Bastard “It’s ok to be gay” Bob

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Letter to the Editor

Dear Bob:
I recently read a copy of issue five wherein the editor, Bastard Bob, included a lengthy article describing the origin of his name. After reading this article, it would seem that his use of the word “bastard” in his pseudonym is somehow justified. But I have to ask: Is this article true? I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
- baffled

Baffled,
Some of the details may have been stretched (within the restraints of artistic license of course), yet the majority of the details are based on actual events. I cried too after I wrote it. It brought back painful memories. And good ones too.

—B-Bob



Dear Realist editor and Trent Derrick:
Bob, thank you for printing “An Interview with a Sex Trade Worker,” and Trent, thank you for having the courage to write it and put your name on it! Trent, the interview was extremely touching and I appreciated your comments at the end. You are right when you state that we as Christians can no longer ignore the problem of prostitution. Young girls are dying. We all have to do something.
- Sincerely, Jessica

I am glad you took the time to read the article, Jessica. Apparently, other people enjoyed it as well. We had a positive response from some students at Grant MacEwan College who read an issue at a bus station; they sent an email thanking us. Unfortunately, I accidentally deleted the email and can’t print it! Sorry. The Realist is getting out there and that’s great.

— B-Bob


Dear Realist Staff:
I read “Interview with a Vampire: The Realist” in the last issue of the Apocrypha. It seems that you all glorify drinking, smoking and the bar scene. (was just curious how you would respond to this observation.)

-no name given

I cannot comment on drinking with regards to the views of the other staff, I can only speak for myself. As a dry alcoholic, I no longer drink — or at least I try my very best not to touch alcohol. I believe that alcohol is a very dangerous addictive substance, and I can contest that it has the potential to ruin one’s life and drive away one’s family. However, I do not know how the other staff members feel about the issue of alcohol. With regards to smoking, I am a heavy smoker. Unfortunately, I have chosen to endorse an addictive substance like cigarettes in order to cope with my addiction to alcohol (it’s stupid I know, but I would rather smoke than drink at this point in my life). Finally, with regards to the bar scene: I do not particularly like bars, large groups of people make me nervous. The bottom line: Alcohol kills your liver. Cigarettes give you lung cancer, it would seem pretty obvious that you should not drink, nor smoke. We did conduct our Apocrypha interview at a bar, but that doesn’t mean that we glorify drinking, smoking, and night clubs. If you are trying to corner me into printing something that you can later use against me, I would say that you have too much time on your hands. I have answered your question to the best of my ability; I hope my answer is sufficient.
– Bob


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Whoroscopes

Aries — It is time to feel adventurous. You didn’t come to Bridal College for nothing. Ask someone out already. At this rate you may be in the “emm arr ess” program 5 years...

Taurus — Holy crap! Your engine just dropped. No, I’m not kidding, it’s on the road behind you. You are left with a Flintstone mobile. (This is Cutty’s sign)

Gemini —Wow You Got a Date! You Got a Date! That is so cool. Now go through some bridal magazines and cut out pictures of rings you like and send them to him. Trust me it’ll work. There’s nothing guys like more on a second date than solid commitment.

Cancer — Look man this isn’t funny anymore I have a serious problem.

Leo — Leo: ah.. . Low ... education... ah.. . ah. I got nothing’.

Virgo — It is time to be adventurous. Go into Benke. Ps. don’t forget your rubber gloves.

Libra — Apparently, even if it is your own you may not want to touch it. Kitten lover!

Scorpio- You were a bad guy on the Simpson’s once.

Sagittarius — Seriously call me baby. I need a date to the Christmas banquet. You know who you are baby. — Cutty- Broken and lonely.

Capricorn – Sick of Corn Jokes. The stars say you spend to much time reading online.

Aquarius- You eat poop. It’s way funnier with the emphasis on the last “p”. Although the word “doo doo” might be funnier.

Pisces —The stars have aligned. You will eat your own pooh or sacrifice something or... kill and eat a rabbit... I don’t know whatever Benke boys do. We Rule!

Ophiuchus — You are just plain messed up. You are outside the astrological calendar; this means you are doomed. We know who you are!!!

By Cutty: “The devourer of ‘Black and Tans” Sark

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When you Evangelize to me, please Remember...

In my last article, “Epistemological Dinner Conversation” (Issue 3), I referred to my coworker who believes my arthritis is the result of generational sin. Reading over the article again, I notice that it sounds as if I disagreed with this woman and that was that. However, truth be told, she really got under my skin. I did tell her that 1 wasn’t interested in her witchcraft but our actual conversation was quite a bit lengthier. She said, “Dan, I understand that you have some type of religious upbringing and that you used to attend a Lutheran church.” Then she went on to patronize me, stating that if I remembered my confirmation class teachings correctly, I would know that there is a verse in the Old Testament that declares that God will punish children for the sins of the father to the third and fourth generation. She couldn’t even tell me what book the verse was in.
Looking back on the whole incident, I wish that I had told her to get her Bible from her car, showed her the verse in Exodus 34 and then explained a few things to her. I wish I would have told her that generational sin in Exodus 34 likely refers to the time the Israelites were sentenced to wander in the desert. I wish I had told her that post-Babylonian exilic writings like Ezekiel and Jeremiah would seem to indicate that this idea of generational sin was a phenomenon exclusive to the desert wanderings (Ezekiell8:17 and Jeremiah 31:29-30). I wish that she would have listened to me when I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in your ideas; can we please just leave it at that?”
After proclaiming my disbelief in generational sin for a second time, I sat silent, hoping she would pick up on my body language and stop the conversation, thus avoiding confrontation and hurt feelings. She did not read my body language. She continued to push her views onto me for over half an hour. After mentioning several of her acquaintances’ encounters with generational sin, she went on to site “factual examples” found in various hairy-fairy publications as well as instances of generational sin deliverance on the Bob Larsen show. Then in a roundabout way, she worked her way back to the topic of my sinful arthritis. She asked me a lot of personal questions about my parents, grandparents, and great-parents, most of which I was unable to answer anyway. Finally, it all came together. Her conclusion was that I needed to say the little curse-binding prayer that she carried around with her, as well as purchase a variety of curse-binding pills from a prominent spiritual warfare website (apparently she or her church has shares in the company). I became so upset that I had to ask her to leave me alone and never bring up the subject again. She told me I could call her when I was ready to accept “the truth.” I was harassed by this particular person. I refuse to work in her department any longer in order to avoid encounters with this woman. If you are going to try to evangelize to someone or share your particular take on a certain theological issue, remember a few important key points:
1) Read the person’s body language and take verbal comments seriously. I made it clear from the beginning that I was not interested in having a conversation about my sad, wicked affliction of generational sin, and she blatantly ignored my request. She also ignored my body language.
2) Do a little reading and research. Do not pick up on the latest contemporary Christian craze by trying to pawn off regular ordinary occurrences on demons, spooks, curses, or generational sin.
3) Know your Bible. If you refer to a verse, know where it’s found. “I know it’s in there somewhere and you do too,” doesn’t cut it.
4) Don’t try to sell me hokey products that support complete foolishness. i.e. curse-binding pills.
5) Do not mention any of the following radio/tv. Evangelists and/or apologists: Bob Larsen, Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, Josh McDowell, James Dobson, Fred Phillips, or Lee Strobel.

I’m still upset while writing about this incident. Bottom line: if you are trying to share something with someone, don’t be too pushy, it really turns people off. If you already knew that, the entire four minutes you took to read this page has been a waste of your time and I apologize.
- Dave McCaferty


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Buddha’s Corner

I believe that the methods by which we increase our altruism, our sense of caring for others and developing the attitude that our own individual concerns are less important than those of others and are common to all major religious traditions. Though we may find differences in philosophical views and rites, the essential message of all religions is very much the same. They all advocate love, compassion. and forgiveness. And even those who do not believe in religion can appreciate the virtues of basic human values.

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Ask Japuti

Dear Japuti,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months and now I have been thinking about having sex with him but I have some moral reservation about the issue so... 1 was thinking that oral sex is all right. What do you think?

Is that all you people think about is sex?! There are people dying of starvation in the world and you want to ask me that. Sex on the Brain! Sex on the Brain! Your North American culture is messed up. And the answer to you question is NO. Now, Bow! Bow! Bow! To the mighty power of Japuti. The one who does not need to be sexually pleasured!

Dear Japuti,
Praise be given to the mighty Japuti, You are all powerful and I bow to you. Now to my question! Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the sexiest of them all? On Campus! Me!
Finally, someone who believes in the mighty power of Japuti! Bring me sacrifices of fruit and veggies. I love to devour. Bow! Bow! Bow! To the All Powerful! One convert: 250+ to go. Japuti mission’s is working.

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*We at The Realist do not support the anti-Semitic views of Martin Luther. However, we have included this in case you are a student who brags about being a Lutheran at a Baptist college. Before you proudly proclaim yourself a staunch Lutheran, know what Luther stood for...(It is also important to put Luther in proper context and not to judge him by modern standards)

Luther’s Corner
• When we read that Judas hanged himself, that his belly burst in pieces. and that his bowels fell out, we may take this as a sample how it will go with all Christ’s enemies. The Jews ought to have made a mirror of Judas, and have seen therein how they in like manner should be destroyed. An allegory or mystery herein lies hid, for the belly signifies the whole kingdom of the Jews, which shall fall away and be destroyed, so that nothing thereof remains. When we read that the bowels fell out, this shows that the posterity of the Jews, their whole generation, shall be spoiled and go to the ground.
• I would not have preachers torment their hearers, and detain them with long and tedious preaching, for the delight of hearing vanishes therewith, and the preachers hurt themselves.
• Experience has proved the toad to be endowed with valuable qualities. If you run a stick through three toads, and, after having dried them in the sun, apply them to any pestilent tumor, they draw out all the poison and the malady will disappear.

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Consumerism Christianity by Ha Kohen

The new world is a place where the spiritual is always fluffy. Contemporary society has made God more about self-help than worship. God has lost the title of “Judge” and any other title that might make people uncomfortable. Gone are the days when “fear of the LORD” meant wisdom, and welcomed are the days of entertainment where God is reduced to nothing but “Love.” God has become a kind of cute and lovable god. People have begun to call the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe their ‘buddy”. Halloween has made demons comedic, and “cotton candy Christianity” fills our Christian bookstore shelves as ages of theological thought goes unread, sitting next to the dusty Bibles they were based on.
Instead of the lifetime of meticulously thought out knowledge we find in the works of Calvin’s Commentaries, people are living off whatever latest Mega-Church’s consumer-driven trend could be sold to them, like so much modem snake oil. Ready-made growth in a box is sold at a hefty price to every small town church in the world that’ll swallow the manipulation and breed week theology and “worship services” designed to neglect the members of the Body so that the unbelievers that fill the halls can have a good time pretending to worship the Most High God. They have been told they’re not big enough by the Church/corporations that want to make miniature versions of themselves, and they have taken the bait. God it seems is more like Wal-Mart than you or Moses or T could have ever imagined. Yancey, Ortberg, The Bible Diet, Prayer of Jabez and The Bad Girls of the Bible have replaced Kaiser, Hayes, Childs, Brugerman, and Luther.
Christians won’t buy anything unless it’s shiny or has a number in the title for easy use. It seems we have all the money in the world when it comes to 7 weeks of this and 40 days of that but not 2 bucks for the homeless kid freezing to death on the street tonight. Product lines of everything from “Christian T-Shirts” to greeting cards to pictures of scenery are stamped with a Bible verse like any other corporate logo and the Body of Christ comes running with bills in one hand and a tattoo advertising Willow Creek on the other. We are the lost generation who has traded everything for easy answers and a bracelet with a question on it we can’t answer.

- Ha Kohen

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Ten Albums that have to be in Loft’s Possession at all times:

1) The Joshua Tree — U2
This CD has “Running to Stand Still” and “Mothers of the Disappeared” — need I say more? Oh yeah, I guess “With or Without you” and “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for” were big hits too.

2) At San Quentin — Johnny Cash
Although it was his prior live album, At Folsom Prison, which is generally considered his comeback album, I think At San Quentin is
The Man in Black at his best. A true mix of rock, country and blues. Check out “A Boy Named Sue” and “Big River.” Before Marilyn
Manson there was Johnny Cash. He’s the original badass... he told his record producers and the crowd, “I’m tired of all that skit!”
(see track 4).

3) Paradise and Lunch— Ry Cooder
This is Cooder’s tribute to Southern Gospel. Some of the best blues licks you’ll ever hear are on this album. Some of his theology is quite funny. Oh wait. You don’t find anything fimny. Humour is evil, Maybe you should not listen to this to avoid offense.

4) Cross Roads - Eric Clapton
This four disc box set is a large cross-section of Clapton’s career throughout the seventies. People will be wailing on air guitar solos to “Cocaine” and “Crossroads” for the next two hundred years. Although, I don’t know why he let Duane Ailman play slide overtop the keys in “Layla.” Every time I hear Duane’s guitar in this song my inner ear trembles — in a “vomity” sort of way.

5) Morrison Hotel — The Doors
While I love all their albums, I like this one the best “Road House Blues” and “Peace Frog” are terrific for dancing at wild house parties or just cruising in your car. Morrison’s voice very is raw on this album yet not as forced as in La Woman.

6) Money for Nothing — Dire Straits
Mark Knopfler is one of the guitar gurus of the seventies and eighties. “Sultans of Swing” has one of the greatest solos of all time. “Money for Nothing” is so weird it’s cool: “Get you money for nothing and your chicks for free!”

7) Physical Graffiti - Led Zeppelin
I’d like to say IV is the best album — it has “Stairway” and “Blackdog,” but PH is amazing. Listen to “Trampled Under Foot” in the dark with lots of bass and you might have an epiphany. Also check out “Houses of the Holy.” Try to pick up the album on vinyl. I find my CD doesn’t sound quite as edgy.

8) Underdogs — Matthew Good Band
ft’s tough to decide on a favorite album but Underdogs has “Everything is Automatic,” “Apparitions,” and “Rico.” Though he can get a little preachy in concert, the man is definitely a gifted song writer.

9) Unplugged—Nirvana
Kurt Cobain’s voice combined with an acoustic guitar, singing old blues covers. It’s kind of eerie. “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam” and “Where did you Sleep Last Night” (A Leadbelly classic) are great

10) Up to Here — The Tragically Hip
I love all their albums, but this was the fist one I ever owned. Gord can’t sing and Sinclair’s backing vocals on this album are particularly horrible; however, there isn’t a hilly-billy in Alberta that hasn’t cranked up “New Orleans is Sinking” or “Blow at High Dough” in his pick-up truck southbound on highway 2.