Alright! Let’s get something straight. This is Bastard Bob’s turf now. I will not tolerate your foolish shenanigans. People who write articles for this publication are not responsible for the entire paper; therefore, they should not be bullied or badgered. Stop your freaking witch hunt and let’s all get along.
-Bastard Bob
PS – If you are going to threaten my staff with God’s wrath, you can meet me a the bike rakes at recess.
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, why did Ham want to see his daddy’s wiener?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: (The Sunday School Teacher) because he was an evil, wicked boy Tommy. All little boys are evil!
Genesis 19:5-8
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, how come Mr. Lot wanted to give up his daughters to the angry mob?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Don’t ask stupid questions Tommy!
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, what does sodomy mean? I think some truckers were writing about this Bible story in the bathroom at the gas station.
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Be quite Tommy!
Genesis 19:31
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, how come Mr. Lot’s daughters didn’t want to do it with the mob, but they were okay doing it with their daddy? Were their children slow?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Shut up Tommy!
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, is your son’s daddy your daddy too?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: The devil has a room reversed in hell just for you Tommy.
Genesis 22:2
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, baby Jesus told my daddy to kill my brother Jeffrey. The police topped him and now he’s in jail. How come the police won’t let my daddy do the things baby Jesus tells him to do?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: God always has a plan, Tommy. There is a reason for everything.
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, you’re full of crap.
Genesis 24:2
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, my mommy said I’m not supposed to let people put their hands under my thigh. How come it was okay for the servant guy to do it to Mr. Abraham?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: You’re a dirty little boy Tommy. All little boys are dirty… touching themselves under their tights. God will smite you soon enough.
Ex. 4:24
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, what’s foreskin?
Psalm 137:9
Little Tommy: I thought that Baby Jesus was a nice God.
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Those Iraqis babies are going to burn in hell Tommy. Bush has Jesus Power!
Matthew 10:34-35
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, how come Jesus has a sword? I thought baby Jesus loved everybody.
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Foolish Child! Jesus hates everybody who doesn’t judge the masses.
- Written by Little Tommy Lebowski
- Dedicated to my bother Jeffrey
Dear Realist editor and participants:
I just thought you should know that you are not Christians and you may be endangering your salvation for what you are doing Even though you say on the front of your paper that we shouldn’t take you seriously, I don’t think Jesus would appreciate you putting a big picture on the front page of Him giving a wink and a thumbs up. I speak to Jesus in tongues all the time and I know he doesn’t appreciate you mocking him. And as for your Buddha’s corner and Jupputi sections – you are worshiping false idols, which breaks a ten commandment. And for another thing: God commands us not to use magic. Including that re-Babylonian exilic magic crap in the paper is total garbage. You guys should really take a look at what you are doing. In case you care, I had the guts to ask my pastor all of those questions on page 7 of issue 2. People are not born gay, and they should be re-baptized. The truth will always prevail.
-A very concerned soldier for Jesus
The Realist: Thanks for the feedback on the Ask Your Pastor Questions. Keep those results coming in.
Dear Realist:
I like what you are doing gentlemen and ladies. I think it’s great that you are shaking things up a little. Some of the students here need to lighten up a bit. Not everybody has the exact same beliefs and that’s okay. I think there are many different roads that lead to salvation and not everybody has to be saved in the same way. Keep up the great work. (Please delete my name if you are going to post this. I don’t want to be ostracized).
*she was afraid to sign her name*
Thanks for the kind words.
Dear editor:
From what I hear, people are getting pretty upset about this alternate paper. I think for your own safety you should just quit while you are ahead. You made your point. I wish you could still keep writing (personally, I like your paper better than the official campus one). However, it seems like some people can’t handle it. I hate to think what you will go through if they find out who you are. No one will ever talk to you again and you will be labeled a heretic for just trying to speak your mind. Sorry dud, I guess that’s just Christian love. Anyway, good luck. Please don’t print my made. I don’t want to get kecked out of school for sounding like I’m on your side.
-anonymous
Don’t worry ATSHN, we’re going to continue to stand up to the man. Thanks for the support.
Dear Editor Guy”
Your articles have lots of mistake and grammar problems. Maybe since we’re at a university college you should learn how to edit your work.
No name was given but his e-mail address is” pokerguy_218@hotmail.com
Please make fun of his mistake can you spot it?
Hey guys,
Nice try but your paper is no where near as great as the Manifesto was when I had the underground paper back in 2001-02. Better luck next year. Say hi to Martin for me.
Thanks Dylan. Although I've never met you, I've heard a lot about you and your work. Cheers.
Realist:
You guys suck.
Nice. Thanks. Say a prayer for me at mass tomorrow. Jesus will forgive your hatred.
Apparently students from _____ are carrying on the underground newspaper tradition. People seem pretty pissed about it. I think this paper is a good thing. This paper is giving people an outlet to express ideas they have been feeling; however, as a result of the close-minded atmosphere of this institution, those people do not feel safe to express themselves. It has been quite a few years since I’ve been a student at ______, but every time I visit I see the same kind of people at the school. Some people fit in, some don’t. I find myself wondering what these young men and women will be life after their _____ experiences. I never really fit into any of the cliques and by my final year I carried a big chip on my shoulders for the school staff, the students, Baptist and Christianity in general.
When I first came to _____, I was your average high school Christa fundamentalist. I went to sappy worship services meant to get you on the Jesus Train and carried my beat up copy of the Evidence that Demands a Verdict for bus-ride evangelism. I was convinced that if everyone read Mere Christianity, the whole world would enter the one true faith. After the first month of school I wasn’t sure what I believe anymore. I went to the library and stared reading, which was a big mistake. The more I read, the more confused I became. I stated asking questions in class – questions about the Bible, God and issues that were slowly undermining my blind faith. Instead of partaking in civil discussions, students (who will remain nameless) stood up and denounced me as a heretic, threatened to complain to professors, and told me that would be judged for attempting to crush the faith of other students. I quickly learned that the best way to succeed in social circles and in the classroom was it vive staff and students what they wanted to hear. I stuck it out at the school for a few more years, hiding the fact that I no longer believed in all that crap I had swallowed for most of my life.
After I finally graduated and received my piece of paper in the mail, I was ready to experience the real world. I wanted a change of pace – too many years at a conservative Christian school made me want to rebel. I stopped going to church because it just seemed like Christianity was a buck of people trying to convince themselves that they were happy. Then I decided to try all the things I was never permitted to touch while under the yoke of the dreaded ______ covenant. I went down the list, breaking all the rules. I drank every night for almost a year. I tried drugs when that got boring. I tried sex and gambling and finally, I committed the worst sin of all for a young Baptist male… I danced!
Years after ______ I still don’t know what I believe about Christianity or Christian. Two people still cannot have a conversation in a _______ hallway about touch theological topics without upsetting others. The Realist is a good thin. If you don’t like the paper, don’t read it. Quite bitching about the paper and grow up. If I had had the Realist when I went to this school I might have had the opportunity to get a few things off my chest. I might still have a little faith left today.
-Loft Gluckstein
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The Epistemological Dinner ConversationI recently attended a family dinner in Red Deer, Alberta. My wife’s grandmother cooked a wonderful meal, and I was happy to se my wife’s family all together for the first time in almost six months. After dessert, we all gathered in the living room to partake in coffee and pleasant conversation. After the usual questions concerning job prospects any my two delinquent brother, my mother-in-law asked my why I looked so pale. I replied that I hadn’t slept well the last couple of nights. She asked my why. I paused. I was reluctant to tell the truth yet decided against conjuring up a lengthy lie. I confessed that the inevitability of death had been on my mind lately and that I was concerned with uncertainly surrounding it. She asked me to clarify what I meant by “uncertainly”. I said, “Not knowing what happens to us when we die”. She appeared to be taken aback. Her face reddened and she replied, “Well, I know what’s going to happen to me when I die.” I said, “No, you don’t… You don’t know for certain – you believe”. There is a difference between “knowing” and “believing”. She asserted, “No, I know that I will go to heaven. I just know”.
While at work a few weeks ago, I complained about my arthritis. My coworker stated that this was the result of generational sin. God told her about my affliction and she knew just what to do. In order to cure me a special prayer had to be said. I asked her how she knew what God wanted. She said that she hears God speak. I told her a couple of Advil would probably take the pain away and that I wasn’t interested in witchcraft.
Last night my friend told me he recently rekindled a relationship with an ex-girlfriend. When I asked him why he had decided to get back together with her. He replied, “We knew that it was what Jesus wanted us to do”. I asked him how he knew. My friend casually remarked, “it’s just a feeling you get. You just know that it’s what God wants.”
Whenever I interact with conservative Christians, I am continually surprised to discover how often they “know” the truth about a given matter or “know” what God wants them to do. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when a Christians knows something based on a feeling in his/her stomach or because she receives and audible message from God. may I just don’t understand what these people are talking about because I’ve never had butterflies in my stomach, but the idea of claiming to know something for certain just seems dangerous.
-Dave McClaferty
1) Requiem for a dream – Jennifer Connelly and the other prostitute complete the so-called “ass to ass” scene. This is the nastiest thirty seconds of film I have ever seen in my life. If you’re squeamish, you should consider never watching the last five minutes of this one. You have been warned.
2) Full Metal Jacket – The first five minutes… Lee Ermey’s character asserts the common courtesy of the “reach-around”. Kubrick will make you laugh nervously with his dirt.
3) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back – The scene where Jason Mews gets Princess Leiha’s pubic hair stuck in his teeth. Kevin Smith crosses over the line again.
4) Pulp Fiction – The sodomy scene. I don’t know how Ving Rhames agreed when he read that part of the script. How many takes were necessary to this scene perfect?
5) Reservoir Dogs – When Quentin Tarantino’s character explains the lyrics to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”. My skin crawls every time I watch this part.
6) Showgirls – Pretty much the entire film. We’ll never watch Saved by the Bell in the same way again. Showgirls isn’t worth more than a couple of laughs. The amount of topless nudity in this movie is beyond ridiculous.
7) Slackers – The penis puppet scene. I have never seen a man do ventriloquism with a penis before. Although it’s funny, your mom may not laugh. She may have a talk with you about little boys going blind.
8) Fight Club – The “I just wanted to destroy something beautiful” scene where Edward Norton’s character snaps on the pretty boy. I’ve thrown up on two separate occasions (thought I vomit easily). Also the “I haven’t been F*#Ked that hard since grade school” and “I want to have your abortion” scenes are also to be avoided.
9) Eyes Wide Shut – The creepy circle of naked women surrounded by all the masked men. When I see this scene, a shiver runs up my spine (in a bad way).
10) Bad Santa – The scene with Billy-Bob and the lady in the Big and Tall sore. Yuck. I laughed but also felt guilty for laughing.
11) American History X – The “that was real nice” shower incident. Edward Norton’s tough character is broken in this brutal gang-rape scene. If you don’t cry during this on, you are heartless.
12) Storytelling – The professor/student sex scene in the first vignette. The R-rated version of this movie puts a big red square around the couple while they bump nasties. The un-rated version shows all. My jaw dropped. My mom screamed>
13) Kids – The last five minutes where Casper the friendly ghost get friendly without the stoned girl’s permission. “Shhhh…. It’s just Caper…” Every parent should make his or her teenager see this film as a warning against drugs, sex and general drunkenness. AID’s kills.
The Catholic Corner
The Pope is infallible. Mary is the blessed. Burying a statue of a saint in your back yard will help you sell your house. We love to crusade. Luther is the world’s number one heretic. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch. Holy water works on vampires and sin. Bow to the Pope not Japuti – heathens! We don’t wear dresses (just the priests). Alter boys are experimental people. All Protestants are going to go to hell, along with all the un-baptized babies.
By Sister Mary Margaret O’Brien
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Better Questions to ask your Teachers or Prechers
Rectify this… “People go to Hell” and “God’s will be done”?
What was marriage in the Bible?
Why does David Hubbard say inerrancy is irrelevant?
Are the 4 different lists of Spiritual gifts exhaustive?
What is speaking in tongues in acts about?
How can 3 million people exodus Egypt?
Did Paul or Jesus need a Masters degree?
If we admit that we have no autographs but have only flawed replications, how can we debate anything with complete certainty?
Is ordination in the Bible?
Rectify this… “God is Love” and some people just need rain to live!
-Ha Kohen
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Odd Thoughts from Brad Childs
God is Love. I hear this all the time and it is clear that people have very little idea what this means. So God is Love, yeah... but this is not equative. It is not God = Love. Love does not = God. Just because God is Love it doesn't mean that we can limit Him to "God is Only Love". God is also "Just" (Rom. 2:11), "Simple" (John 1:18; 4:24), "Merciful (Ex 3:7), and about a billion other things. If God is Love he also punishes in a just and rightfull way. Before you say "God is Love" to someone, please read how God's love worked out for the Egyptian or look at how Christ looks at His return "with fire in His eyes".
-Brad Childs================================================
Buddha’s Corner (Brought to you this time by Ha Kohen)
When I was young I was taught that only those who have asked Jesus into their hearts are saved. At the time I became very worried about a friend of mine. This friend had a rather serious speech impediment and could not pronounce the name Jesus. In my foolishness I thought that not being able to pronounce the name of God meant that he might not know the same Lord that I did.
A few years ago I began to think on this subject a it more and came up with a few more questions. I wondered, “What if a person had only the book of Matthew, but believed?” Would that person know the same Jesus that I know? Though at first that may sound odd, I genuinely believe it to be an important question. If a person only had the book of Matthew or Mark he/she would be very limited in their understanding of Jesus. This got me thinking.
What if someone had only the book of Matthew and believed, but that particular copy of the book had been altered? What if the name Jesus was replaced with the name Buddha? Would it still be the same God? Would it still be Jesus? Do we even say Jesus correctly? No, in fact, we don’t. Does pronouncing or spelling the name in different ways affect what God hears? Does having only a very limited view of God and having his name wrong really mean that others worship a different God? Exactly how much knowledge of Jesus do you need before God knows you’re talking about Him? Does a person have to fully understand the Trinity to be saved? Most people in the pews and even in Seminary have what could technically be considered a “heretical view” of the trinity.
What about those people in the second century who didn’t have a developed view of the Trinity? Does God get confused simply because we do?
Lately a major problem for me has been that I see Christ in the Old Testament. Many of you are now wondering why that is a problem. After all, that seems like a basic statement of faith doesn’t it? Well yes and no. the problem comes when I read things like “Abraham was saved by grace through faith”. The normal teaching of the Christina Church has always been that Abraham was saved by faith tin Jesus Christ – whom he did not yet know. After all Jesus did say that “no one gets to the Father except through me”. Is God unchanging (Ps 102:27; Mal. 3:6; James 1:17) or is He not? Is God somehow weaker now than he was before? Like many modern people, Abraham didn’t know the name of Jesus. He had never read Matthew or possibly anything at all for that matter. He knew no Trinity, no Spirit, no Son. He even had a fairly week understanding of the Father in many ways.
Now I am left with just one question in my mind… What do you think???
“Clearly the Bible teaches that Jesus is the only way to the Father, but what it doesn’t tell us is if there are other ways to Jesus.” - C.S. Lewis
-Ha Kohen
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Would We Recognize Jesus Today?
Christ has come to bring unity to humanity through love by taking the form of a perfect man. He is the ideal that we should try to emulate. But are we trying to follow the Christ that we want him to be or the one that he actually is? Some early Christian traditions of Jesus’ appearance would startle many of us if we have grown up with the handsome picture of Christ that our present-day Church portrays. It is hard to imagine that Jesus could have been a short, bald, fat, hunchback leper? But this is exactly what some early traditions have pictures Jesus as. It does of course seem much easier to reconcile this Jesus with the prophecy of Isaiah. But the Jesus of the Bible is much different than what we believe him to be. He is far from our ideal, but He is certainly the ideal for God.
For a second let us Judge Jesus by the standards of this particular conservative evangelical college: Jesus was a man who like to drink wine. When confronted by religious official about his he replied, “The bridegroom is with them for a short time” a kind of early form of “let’s party” for those of us in the know. We are in fact talking about someone who made more wine for people who had partied for 8 days and already drank hundreds of gallons. Perhaps it is time to set aside out preconceived notions and see what Jesus really was like and how he is represented in the Bible.
Although this is enough to keep Jesus from being admitted as a student on many evangelical campus’ Jesus would have more problems getting in as well. For example His reference letter would be quite poor to say the least. I can almost hear them in the admission department: “We can’t let him in, his friends are all corrupt bureaucrats, prostitutes drunks and losers.” Not one of the academic or religious elite would dare indorse Him. What minister would vouch for the character of someone who seemed to read his Bible as if it were allegorical, even though it was clearly not intended this way?
Jesus also had the wrong kind of past. He liked to poke fun at religious institutes in his time. Remember “You den of vipers!” or Jesus saying “Raca”; most bibles don’t even bother translating this one. We say things like “we don’t really know exactly what it means”. Well let me tell you even the conservative views put this at least pretty close to a swear if not just an obvious one. At any rate I have to say, “It aint nice!” The fact of the matter is that Jesus hung out the people from the wrong side of the tracks and made fun of the wealthy and the pious. In His day the Church wanted to throw Him off a cliff. Eventually of course they did manage to kill him; I don’t think I need to elaborate on this one. If Jesus did manage to somehow sneak into school. He would certainly never sign one of those student contracts – he could never keep it. At our school it says you can be expelled for creating “controversy”!
Jesus said that He came to divide not to unify. He splits families and causes hardships. He is not merely the quite and solemn man we often make Him out to be. He can to break down walls and traditions and to stop the labeling of people or segregation of groups.
What did Jesus look like? Would were recognize Him today? It may be that for all our study and all our attempts to understand Him, and all our snobbery projected at the religious leaders in Biblical times we are no better then they. It may be that we would do the same things; treat Him the same way. It may be that we would kill him too!
-Trent Derrick and Brad Childs
______________________________________________
?????ASK JAPUTI ??????
Dear Japuti:
If Jesus was raide from the dead in Physical Bodily Form, does that mean he eats and then poops? Just a Question!
Dear Loyal Follower,
Yes!
All hail to the might power of Japuti~! I do not deat or poop or have wet dreams or any other limitation that come natuarlly to human bodies. Hail, Hail, Hail!
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