The Realist Issue 1We would like to state that this paper is a work of comedy. The views presented in the work are not those of our school or professors and in some cases not even our own.
While many copies of our paper have been destroyed by well-meaning modern Nazis, this online copy is fairly permanent so if you have a problem with it - you will just have to leave a comment.
Stop the Book Burning!
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Editor Preface: Stalin in School
Freedom of speech does not seem to be an important right to some of the people around here. Some believe that any opinion contrary to the idealistic Christian should be repressed. Are we so weak in our faith that we feel insecure enough to hide from the slightest challenge? Shame on you! Where would we be if Luther did not challenges the "true" universal church? Ideas are the fuel that feed progress and lead to truth - if open discussion is allowed or at least tolerated. To those of you who tear up the work of others, Stalin salutes you! Silencing challenges leads to ignorant dogmatism. We are not asking you to agree with everything we say. We are simply asking you to do something most Christians have forgotten how to do - Think.
Remember God is big enough to defend himself.
With all our Love
-Bastard Bob
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And Now for the Pentecostal Minute
Grrrrr. Bibbliele msiltic mnmudufu? Kerflufal unsdsese mahomedddd! Mdsusdu thsdhogh flrrrrrr. Frrrr. Bark Bark! Flufle fluffle!!!
Interpretation:Good Luck on the Realist. Enlighten the masses through questions and sarcasim.
Your buddy, Jesus
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Today’s Whoroscopes
Aries – You are impulsive. You will go out with anyone who asks. But beware some of the people who might ask are of the same sex! This may create problems for some.
Taurus – This is the worst car on the market. Seriously Conan O’Brien has one of these.
Gemini – Tim is running out. You have already been at bridal college for one month. If you haven’t found anyone to marry but the end of today you will be alone forever!
Caner – Caner is something I have in my pants.
Leo – You are a large fore headed your man that hasn’t done a decent film since “what’s Eating Gilbert Grape”.
Virgo – Isn’t that a kind of Yamaha?
Libra – I’m pretty sure that’s a part of a women’s body. It may be in the “no no touch place”. If any asks just scream, “I need an adult” over and over and you will be just fine.
Scorpio – You are unwilling to up with anything. This may or may not affect your life. You may end up a Bolger.
Sagittarius – You will gain yet another 10lbs. Boys will never go out with you. Your self-esteem will all but disappear. But you will eat well.
Capricorn – this is what old people eat.
Aquarius – Dud I heard if you put a gold fish in one of these he’ll get only so big, but if you put it in your swimming pool it’ll get like crazy huge!
Pisces – This is in a Nirvana Song! It must be from the Devil!
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His birth was predicted
He was called a prince
He waled on water
He rose from the dead
He fed the masses
He was a teacher
he gave up his thrown for humanity
He was...
Buddha!
In Buddhism we believe that nonmaterial things behave just like material things do. At the same time, from the Buddhist point of view, our ability to perceive physical matter cannot provide the sole basis for our knowledge of the world. An example of a nonmaterial thing might be the concept of time. Time is concomitant with the physical world but cannot point to an existing item in any material way. There is also the idea of consciousness. This is the means by which we perceive things and experience pain and pleasure. Conciseness is held not to be physical. There is more to the world than that can be seen or heard. The material is not truly real.
This is Buddha’s Corner.
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How the Hell Old Are You?
The other day in the hall I heard some over zealous dolt talking about how he got a 99% on some assignment. Of course, he was all distraught about the 1% that was taken off for a spelling error or whatever the hell it might have been. Our hero however would never be content with such an evaluation… Would he? Of course not! You seem despite what he might lead you to believe, he’s not actually intelligent at all. He’s really quite daft. Oh his grades are good; great in fact. Just like that airhead girl you used to go out with in high school. He’s really just an idiot with no self-esteem. Oh, but don’t hat him. He just needs to prove to himself that he’s not a loser. What’s that you say? “Even a loser would be happy with 99%.” Well jimmy, to that I can only way, “Wake the hell up; you must not be paying much attention!” No! Not by any strength of the imagination is he happy. Instead, he thinks it’s better to moan and complain about that 1% on one assignment; 1% that works out to about .001% or his total grade. Unlike a normal considerate human being, he thinks it’s better to that tired underpaid professor and interrupt his or her hand word with a petty little argument, each time he’s not satisfied with the errors he’s made. And don’t think that he’ll let up either. No sir! Not our here! You see little Jimmy, somewhere in his past this you man probably screamed at some ever more underpaid kindergarten teacher and got an extra sticker on his macaroni picture. No doubt she gave in because he peed his pants and all the other kids made fun of him all of the time. Ever since then he has known the secret to good grades. That’s right kids; the secret is that teacher can be weak willed’ they will give in to you in disgust after a fair amount of time witnessing you little temper tantrums! Our subjugator knows no bounds. He know that if he can only simulate the feeling of a hemorrhoid on the teachers backside for long enough that once well-respected educator will bow down to his moronic 1% knowing all to well that it means absolutely nothing when added onto the final grade. And so I say, “Praise be to you winy little girl!” You are our hero! You who cares only for yourself. You, who dedicated your life to nothing more than the ink it takes to print a letter on your grade card. You who seeks so desperately for approval. I salute you with this issues “How The Hell Old Are You Award!” Grow up!
-By Ha Kohen
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