The Online Realist

I do follow Scripture!!!

2007-08-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

This is a copy of letter of response that I posted in a local newspaper. The letter that I wrote was in support of Abortion and Same-sex marriage. It had some responses in turn, but one stated that I did not follow scripture in my ideas or that I was too influenced by modern culture.

In approving of abortion and homosexuality, I am not departing from scripture. I am just interpreting scripture with the tools that I have been afforded by modern scholarship. I agree with Mr. Pynaker in that “God’s does not change” but I will have to add that our understanding of Him/Her does as we are only human and continue to evolve.

With this being said, scripture does not specifically condemn abortion. What we have are scripture verses condemning murder and out of this we conjecture that God wants us to protect the life of a fetus, but nothing outright reproaching what we have as the modern practice of abortion.

It is with this understanding that I cannot condemn the practice of abortion. As a Christian, I am required to love the person who has had an abortion, to meet her needs and give support in any way that I can. I do this because we are all sinners and I have no right to judge or condemn anyone because they do not live up to my own standards of what I deem to be righteousness or better yet self-righteousness.

As for homosexuality, scripture is very ambiguous as to its condemnation. It is unfortunate that we have to rely on those who translate scripture to interpret the vague words into an English equivalent. There is no word in Hebrew or Greek for our modern understanding of the practice of homosexuality. The words that are used could best be translated as, male temple prostitute or one forced into submission by another male. All forms of condemned homosexual practices in scripture have to do with Temple worship or rape; there is no modern understanding of homosexuality condemned in scripture.

Yes, I do admit that my interpretation of scripture meets the needs of a post modern world but this has been done throughout the history of theology started by the apostle Paul and carried on by Luther, Schleiermacher, Tillich and more recently Brueggemann.

As we gain more knowledge about our world, we need to be willing to move forward and meet the needs of humanity surrounding us. If we are not willing to change, Christianity will die. But if Christianity continues to breed ignorance, prejudice and hatred, maybe, just maybe this might be a better thing for humanity.

Because of my love for the church, I will continue in my search for truth, love and acceptance.

God the Devil and Bob

2007-05-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Do to some good old fashion right-wing Christian pressure this evil show only aired four episodes in the US. But fear not good followers God the Devil and Bob can be found online. Check out this video and tell me what you think.

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v409449GAEyZWJ8

Comic Books Best

2007-05-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

Do to the recent nonsensical success of one of the worst comic books movies that has ever touched the screen (Spider Man), I thought it prudent to give my list for
"The Best Comic Book Movies Ever Made".

20) Dick Tracy

19) Constantine

18) Batman (1989)

17) Blade II

16) Howard the Duck

15) Robo Cop

14) The Crow

13) Road to Perdition

12) V for Vendetta

11) Ghost World

10) Blade

9) American Slender

8) X-men

7) Sin City

6) 300

5) Blade Trinity

4) Batman Beginnings

3) History of Violence

2) X-Men 2

1) Donnie Darko

LIMBO

2007-05-08T13:32:00.001-07:00

Pope Benedict XVI has recently reversed centuries of traditional Roman Catholic teaching (though never an official position) on limbo. This new examination came about due to the high number of miscarriages and abortions in the world today. While the new decision does bear some weight and in fact calls into question the Church’s traditional acceptance of baptism being a “wiping away of original sin” the Pope now sees original sin in a new light; namely that we are also born into grace. But where some have suggested a complete reversal this does not really seem to be the case.
Most interestingly this new proclamation does not altogether reject any of the official beliefs of the papacy but instead suggests a heightened awareness for the possible forgiveness and acceptance for lost children by their Heavenly Father. Rather than a complete reversal the announcement suggests that instead of waiting at the boarders of Hell (in limbus) there is “hope”. While many Catholics now see the official finding of the Vatican council a relief they may be jumping the gun a bit. In truth this is not as a wholesale rejection of Limbo but rather a moving of people from the boarders of Hell to the boarders of Heaven (at least as far as Limbo is seen). Through vaguely stating these new finding it seems that Limbo is in fact in limbo itself. But what the Catholic church has now successfully done is that it has engaged itself in the mysteriousness of Gods ways. No matter what else is said in the next few days, it is reassuring to see that the Church sees grace in a whole new light.

The Book of Moron (i)

2007-05-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

On April 26, 2007 the Salt Lake Tribune in Salt Lake City Utah printed an extremely important article. It seems that a Utah County Republican Don Larsen presented a resolution asserting that loose U.S. boarders and the highly publicized immigration problems are in fact “the work of Satan”. In his resolution Larson claimed that illegal immigration is the devils “plan to destroy the nation”. What is even more interesting though is that after personally distributing nearly 1,500 copies of his presentation Don Larsen seems not to have lost any political backing. Because of this Larsen is not backing down. In an interview given to the Tribune Larsen stated, "In order for Satan to establish his 'New World Order' and destroy the freedom of all people as predicted in the Scriptures, he must first destroy the U.S.,".

Larson, you sir are right on the money. I believe that is an exact quote from the book of dumb, dumb. Maybe that’s in the Mormon book of Moroni but I can’t say that I’ve ever read that verse before.

Beer

2007-04-17T21:28:00.000-07:00

35 billion gallons of beer sell worldwide each year. It is over a $330 billion industry. And yet… one must be the best. But which one is the best of all? It is an interesting question; no doubt personal perception plays a role. Still, is the most popular beer really the best? How many people do you know that have tried Speckled Hen or Hop Head (and these are just some of the easy to pronounce and more popular ones)?

Certainly popularity does play a role, but people that are limited by few experiences should recognize the restrictions or their scrutiny. If Coors or Molson is the most exotic beer you’ve tried in the last few years you might just have to admit your limitations. And while I am not the most erudite of drinkers I do think that I have something special to offer you and I do believe that I have explored this world to an extinct far more diverse than is the average. And what precisely do I think I might have to offer my good readers? Well… faithful followers I, HaKohen have come to the following conclusion - Innis & Gunn – Oak Aged Beer is my personal favorite and is perhaps more importantly the greatest beer in the world.

In my humble opinion, you may not be able to find it at your local store, but you should certainly take a look.

Check ‘em out at http://www.innisandgunn.com/index.htm

It is well worth it!

He'Brew

2007-04-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry to say that this one isn't available in Canada just yet! But that hasn't stopped these guys from shipping throughout most of the US. Perhaps soon we too can get a taste of thie new Jewish Beer... or as they call it He'Brew.

http://www.shmaltz.com/

Church?

2007-04-09T10:57:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about something recently. I was thinking about how stupid church goers can be today. Today’s “contemporary” evangelical pastors think they’re so smart. They set up huge stages with “worship bands” and choreographed lights and have little skits to keep people interested. They perform an act and make God’s church into a theater and his ministers into little more than jesters. The pastor will speak to everyone from a seated position up at a little coffee table so that even in crowds filled with hundreds of people, each person is meant to feel as if they are sitting right across for him at some hip new overpriced coffee shop. It’s all just a little too hygienic for me. Where is the reverence? Where is the room for people to interact or discuss?

Near my home town in Kansas a church called Grace Point is the perfect example. If you go to their webpage you’ll find all the same kinds of images you’d see at any other “contemporary” church website. It has catchy slogans that don’t really mean anything like “Church for people who don’t like church” (in reality this means a gathering of believers that don’t like believers gathering). It shows a causally dressed minister who talks about “relevance” and “authentic community” and basically any other buzz words that happen to be floating around this year.

Now I’m sure that this church has some wonderful things going on and I’m sure that pastors like these truly believe in what they are doing but I just can’t understand it.

What has happened to us? I wonder what people in third world churches think when they see this? What is the difference between these mega-churches and old cathedrals built with gold and marble statues? Do people really look at this from their place in secular society and say, “wow, look at that light show… Jesus must have died for my sins”? Why do ministers keep feeding the people exactly what we think they want and nothing of what they need? Does church really need to be a “celebration service” every week? What about Good Friday? Is there no room for pain in our churches today? Do we really need church to be fun and entertaining all the time, cause to be honest I think if I wanted to be entertained I’d much rather go see a movie than go see a heavily diluted presentation of Christianity.

If you are reading this and you haven’t been to church in a long time then my advice to you is to go to the smallest church you can find. Find a mainline church that has intensely thought through its worship or find a new emerging church that is attempting to do the same for a new generation (one where you have input). But whatever you do –stay far, far away from personality cults and churches with a lot of money to spend and seemingly nothing better to do with it then build onto their already gigantic sanctuaries or hire specialty pastors for every conceivable type of person. If the church you go to has a minister for bisexual Asian, non-English speaking immigrants with missing toes, get out now!

Christian Heritage Party

2007-03-31T23:46:00.000-07:00

As I have recently returned from a trip up North, I could not help noticing all the signage for the Christian Heritage Party as I traveled along the road. Now, as strong believer in the democratic process, I have no problem with the propagation of their beliefs. What I do take issue with is spreading their message with the name Christian Heritage Party, more specifically the words Christian & Heritage
First, I have a problem with the name Christian in any party because Christianity holds such a broad spectrum of beliefs that to say that all Christian believe in the same policies of one party would be absurd. Not all Christians believe that same sex marriage is wrong! Not all Christians believe abortion is murder! Not all Christians believe that the Capitalism of the west is a blessing from God! So to use the name Christian in a political name is quiet offensive to us that do not hold your views
Second, the word Heritage in the name insinuates that it is founded on long standing Christian principles. Christianity has been evolving since day one and it continues to mature today. We no longer support slavery, crusades, or segregation and not all Christians supported these practices when they were commonly accepted as OK. So it is impertinent to assume that your political beliefs are based on the Heritage of ALL Christians. We all come from varying backgrounds and Heritage’s; therefore, we all have a different heritage.
It is with this that I believe it would be better suited to call your political party the Ultra Conservative Fundamentalist Party or maybe the Minority View of Christianity Party, but please be considerate of your fellow believers that do not hold your view, and do not market yourselves as the Christian party. Please do not try and include all Christians within your belief system for we are quite diverse in our beliefs and function better because of it.

Cutty Sark

Christians and Genetics

2007-03-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

This one came in from brad (Said he wrote it for us but then put it on his myspace page...? Seriously man how old are you?)

Anyway Here it is:

We live in a world where the virgin birth in no more miraculous. The reality of the issue is that almost anyone can be a mother now and the new survival of five different tubule pregnancies makes it suggestible that a male could even carry a child. The topic of reproductive technologies and genetics is a very difficult one for me, but I do have some lines drawn in the sand.

Personally I find that Artificial Insemination (AID) is not immoral in and of itself. If seems to me that these implantations have nothing to do with adultery and to suggest so seems also to suggest that women commit adultery every time they visit the gynecologist. Though some complications exist with AID I see no reason to oppose it as an option and I find AIH to be even less problematic. This is not to say that I have no concerns when it comes to Artificial Insemination. In fact I do but my concerns do not lie with the "creation" of implanted fertilized eggs, but rather they lie with the discarded or unused eggs. In my view, as soon as the eggs have been fertilized; life has begun to develop. As such, anything that calls for the creation of fertilized eggs that could become little more than "medical waste" or "research material" is immoral because of the secondary outcomes. This means that Artificial Insemination is not wrong in and of it self but that some of the things that go along with it are. If Artificial Insemination would be done one egg at a time, I could not oppose it. (It seems the main problem people have with this is monetary and I do not see any relevance between cost and morality. It may cost more but the price tag is well worth the clean conscience.) Embryo Transfer is another interesting option but again I do not have any problems with the process per se. In stead I have a problem with the creation of life that will then not be allowed to develop to its full potential.

I have to say, though I find no real moral difficulties with these procedures, (save certain secondary concerns that could easily be eliminated) I would much rather opt for adoption. This is not because I see infertility as a sign. In fact, I see infertility as a medical condition and believe that much like cancer it should be treated wherever possible. The idea that people should accept there situation is ridiculous. This kind of position is a slippery slop that soon finds its way into trouble. Instead I merely favor adoption because adoption seems to be the greater good. Moses was adopted; Jesus as well. It is certainly a good option for Christians and I do not believe that waiting matters one bit. Impatient does not create morality.

Selective Genetics
For me it seems that the choosing of characteristics for you children is an error. The problem I find with this sort of thing is not that it is evil to want your children to be red headed or blue eyed or taller; it is in the issue of betterment. When we begin to believe that people can be better if only they hold certain characteristics, it shows that we have little respect for the differences in us as a people. In making an active choice to have a child without a handicap, we are essentially saying to all handicapped people that they are somehow lesser beings. This is not to say that we should not attempt to correct medical problems. In fact, if possible we should perform life saving surgery on unborn babies inside the uterus and this is of little difference from the illumination of disease causing genes in embryos, but it is a far step to get to eye color or height or even choosing what gender to have. In my view, these kinds of technologies carry with them great power. They could help us to eliminate disease, but the question comes in differentiating disease from discomfort; healing from "bettering".

The Problem of Certainty

2007-03-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

As the war continues in Iraq, it should give us time to reflect on the travesty of fundamentalist belief which I believe is Certainty. It is with certainty that we are able to hold so dear to our own beliefs that we are willing to kill and abuse others who do not hold onto the same ideas. We blindfold the masses in emotional security about our way being the right way while vilifying those outside our own belief system. It has been stated, “Whenever a group of religious folk begin to believe they posses God’s truth, almost inevitability they become those who in the name of their version of that truth persecute, excommunicate, purge, burn at the stake, or justify cruel religious wars against any who will not salute their tradition or acknowledge their rightness in things religious.”
Both sides of this conflict have those who believe beyond a reasonable doubt that they are right in their fight. But in order for us to move ahead with the peace process in the Middle East both sides will have to admit that they are wrong and enter into an area that is difficult for all of to enter, which is uncertainty. Whether we are Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Hindu, Sikh or Agnostic, we have to be willing to set aside our own moralistic views and live by the spirit of our religion and that is to love God and to love our fellow Human. All religions have this same creed within their belief system but it is somehow ignored. We decide to live by the law or rules and not the spirit or ideal of our religions. As John Shelby Spong wrote, “Fundamentalism is so limited. This is surely why Paul wrote that ‘the written code kills, but the spirit gives life.’” Maybe it is time that we grow up and be willing to admit that we are wrong and that the other side maybe right. It is the only way that we will be able to find peace. Uncertainty is not to be feared but needs to be embraced in order for humanity to move forward.

"Cutty Sark"

Strange Thought

2007-03-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Profound mental retardation
IQ Below 20

Severe mental retardation
IQ 20–34

Moderate mental retardation
IQ 35–49

Mild mental retardation
IQ 50–69

Borderline mental retardation
IQ 70–79

It is interesting to see how people treat each other. For example: Mental retardation is defined as someone with an IQ below 70. In this day and age, that means that these people are actually much respected and well cared for. It is looked down upon to mock people with disabilities. And if you were to do so you would be looked down upon by the general public. It’s true, it hasn’t always been this way, but today this is a general principle. On the other hand, what about people who score closer to the mid-80’s. Well, we see these people every day. They are often socially awkward. They work in our offices, provide our services and go through life relatively unnoticed. These people are the most despised people on earth. The truth is that these are the same people that are hated at your work. These people are generally described as “stupid” and nobody wants to be around them except of course for other “stupid people”. They do not complete tasks correctly. They preform at a sub-par level. They annoy.

It is strange to think that we have come so far and yet most of us dislike people we think to be “idiots”. It is culturally acceptable to mistreat them or talk about them with others. In fact, it is often a point of unity between other co-workers.

I wonder, could we learn to think of these people in a new way? What is it about human nature that says we must always place people into cast systems? It is an interesting question...

-Ha Kohen

New post from Loft

2007-03-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

Okay so now Loft has also decided to send something in. I have got to figure out how to add you guys so you can post on your own.

So here it is a little article sent to me from Loft. I hope you enjoy it... byt remember it aint mine.
-Ha Kohen

So Joe Simpson, manager of daughters Ashlee and Jessica Simpson is at it again. No… he’s not praising the grandeur of his little girls “double D’s” again as he did back in GQ. Instead he’s sharing his pristine guidance on parenting with the world in order to further humiliate his daughter’s greatest competition. While Joe claims to “feel bad for Britney Spears” with all his ex-Baptist minister heart he also asserted that “I would never let that happen to my daughters”.

Well with all your daughter pimping skills aside and your newly found proficiency in applying Church whoreing to the secular music industry as well, I’d have to say that you are an ex-mega-church… mega-douche bag!

While I’m not a particularly huge fan of Britney Spears, I’m also not a big fan of kicking people while they’re down. And just exactly how many parents do you believe “let” this kind of thing happen to their children? As far as I can tell, you’re the most famous deadbeat dad I’ve ever seen and just because you still make a good living sucking up the loose change after the their quasi pornographic pictures are taken, that doesn’t make you the moral center of parenting. Your kids aren’t sexual commodities and nobody’s parents just “let” damaging things happen to their children… except for you of course. Screw off!

Not from me - don't blame me!

2007-03-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

Well I guess an explanation is in order. The Realist was handed down to a new generation some time ago. A new group has been running the actual paper for some time now and the issues just have not made it to the online version because I was no longer involved. However, being one of the creators does have its advantages and Cutty Sark has agreed to send some things in from time to time (his idea). So I guess you should just keep checking in to see what’s going on. For now I’ll post a copy of what Cutty sent me as an e-mail. In the future he will have a space on the dashboard and will be able to post his own work. But for now you will just have to make due with me pasting it in. Enjoy!

-Ha Kohen

An Open Letter to the Church Growth Movement: By Cutty Sark

So… What’s up… you spoiled bunch of hoe-bags for God. You know, God doesn’t need a whole lot of conservative dicks pushing him like a box of old, broken toys at a garage sale! Jesus isn’t some shitty tasting medicine that needs to be force fed down peoples throats or diluted to fit everyone tastes. STOP TRYING TO MARKET THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE!!! I’m pretty sure that thinking God needs your help is what’ll get you put somewhere between Hitler and all those unbaptized Catholic babies in the lowest levels of Hell!

And another thing… what the hell is the deal with you guys hate’n on the TNIV? It’s your effing (like how I did that?) conservative translation; complete with all your pathetic conservative theological slants. You should be shoving copies up you anus for safe keeping just in case the mainliners decide to burn up all the competition. What’s so bad about gender inclusive language? Seriously? It’s not like they’re claiming Jesus had a vagina or something. The just want to make the Bible read more like it was originally. I’m pretty sure God isn’t male anyway! I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need a dick to piss with; I’m pretty sure he doesn’t piss at all or need to drink so He’d have to piss in the first place. Ah screw it that’s enough for now! No what – Screw you! And Grow Up, Ass-clowns!

The Realist Online: Issue 8

2006-08-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

The Realist Issue 8

The Telephone’s Ringing. Pick it up...

-Hello? Who’s there?
-It’s Jesus.

-Oh, Jesus. I’m so glad you called. I handed out tracts outside of bars and condemned a bunch of sinners to hell. I went to church on Sunday and I’ve been reading my Bible everyday. I’ve been wearing my WWJD bracelet and haven’t lusted after a woman in three months. You’re probably so proud of me.

- Actually I’m disappointed with you. You didn’t give that drunk your spare change this morning. You yelled at that scared girl as she was going into the abortion clinic last week. You wouldn’t look that prostitute in the eye when she asked if you could give her a ride uptown. You saw those addicts on TV dying of AIDS and muttered under your breath that they deserve to die.

-But Jesus...

-Smarten up. (*click*)

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Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the final issue of the Realist for this year. It has been fun writing and publishing this work of art. It has had the desired effect of causing open discussion of taboo subjects. I have taken some criticism for my tactics but if it were not controversial I do not believe it would have caused the discussion that it did. Maybe. Maybe not I just wanted people to step outside the protective bubble that is meant to protect us here at ________ I do not think that it does. It causes more damage by allowing us to be Christians that sit on a fence judging those who do not live up to our manmade standards of Christianity. As I reflect on my last eight years at Bible College, I realize that I have evolved from a super fundamentalist to a Born Again Catholic.1 It has been quite a journey but I must say it was worth it and I appreciate all that _________has given me. Just remember to question. We are all heretics in the end!

- Cutty Sark

===============================================

A Note from Bastard Bob:

Greetings Fellow Realist Enthusiasts:
I bet you were looking at the front page and noticed that my name wasn’t on it. I bet you thought Oh crap; this is a Cutty Sark issue. We’re all doomed. Thirty pages of smut and insult. Where the hell is Bastard Bob? Well, not to worry. I’m right here. I couldn’t fit this blurb on the front page. Well, as Cutty said, this is the last issue of the year. It’s been a long haul. We unintentionally stirred up a lot of controversy. We had our papers torn up in front of us and people gave us dirty looks (even though they couldn’t prove which pseudonym matched up to whom). We received threats of physical violence, and we were threatened with legal battles. We were even threatened with the wrath of God. Many people questioned our faith and called us heretics. A couple people even emailed us and told us we were going to hell. In the end we’re still here. And whether or not all Realist Staff will be condemned to hell remains to be seen. I guess you’ll all have to wait. If you were right, you can say I told you so/from across the fiery gulf

I think that it’s kind of sad that you have had an agnostic for an editor for the past several issues. If I were a conservative Evangelical, maybe I would have had more to say to you. Maybe you would have been more interested in what I had to say. I don’t deny that I’m a heretic. My ideas about God, faith, truth and life definitely conflict with Christian values and norms, but these poor writers couldn’t find anyone else to edit their work for them, so you were all stuck with me. Though I may label myself a heretic and apostate, please do not be so quick to label the other staff members here at the paper. Those who I have met in the flesh have turned out to be compassionate people who have a genuine concern for Christianity and Christians. They want to get away from the Cotton Candy Christianity which has become a part of pop-culture. They want to get away from simple sinner’s prayers that instantly save souls and books that promise church growth in forty days or less. They want to get away from judgment and condemnation. They want to question common views about God and the world. They want to be compassionate and help the poor, the down-trodden, and weak.

Whether you like The Realist or not, you have to admit that it’s been a great place for discussion. People have written about many different topics and others have had an opportunity to respond. I would like to thank everyone who contributed articles and all of those who sent us emails regarding the paper (even those who did not agree with us). I would also like to thank all of those people who wrote to us and encouraged us to put out a final seventh issue. It’s just great to see that all the time, effort and money that went into this little independent paper wasn’t overlooked. Many people like The Realist and want it to continue. Have a good summer. Remember the poor. Remember the weak. Please remember those who society has forgotten.

-Bastard Bob

__________________________________________

We’ve received a lot of mail over the last couple of months. We selected a few entries for publication. As always, it’s your own damn fault if you write in criticizing us and we end up making you look like a complete fool. Submit at your own risk. Cheers. Bastard Bob.
Letters to the Editor:

Dear Bastard Bob:
I am so sad that you were pushed out by those hypocritical bureaucrats in charge at The Realist. Down with Cutty Sark! I wish you would consider putting out another issue and stick to the man just more time. Oh, will The Realist be back next year? All my love and kisses.

Clementon

Thanks we know we’re awesome.

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Dear Realist:
I was offended by the absence of the word “wanker” in your last issue. You claim to be tough stuff, yet everybody knows tough guys say “wanker.” Please remedy this for the comeback issue.
Thanks.
Steve “The Wanker Man” Stevenson

Personally, I prefer “weiner” to “wanker.” The word “weiner” is so cool. You can spell it “weiner” or “wiener,” but either way it’s still a weiner.
-----------------------------

Realist:
I’m so glad you guys are finished. Six issues was definitely enough. I was thoroughly offended and left aghast by your lack of Christian love and maturity on several occasions.
Signed
Relieved

Well RELIEVED, we weren’t going to do another issue but then we got your email. So prepare to be offended.

-----------------------------

Dear Realist:
I found a copy of issue three in one of my classrooms at King’s University College. Where can I get the rest of the issues? Can I subscribe? I especially liked “Top Thirteen Movie Scenes not to Watch with your Mom in the Room.” My friends and I couldn’t stop laughing, and we even had to rent some of the movies (without supervision). I showed it to some professors in faculty lounge and hilarity ensued. How can I become part of The Realist team? Sign me up.
-Brian Yutze

Well Brian, we already know where to find you.

Dear Bob and the Gang:
Did you guys all make amends? I thought that Bob was pissed off with Cutty Sark. What happened?

We read certain copy of a certain official school paper and we thought - if we did make a comeback, it couldn’t ‘t be any worse than this. Why not spend an insurmountable amount of time piecing something together? Oh yeah, Cutty bought me a beer.

-------------------------------

Realist:
Jesus is probably turning over in his grave right now. Christianity is about community, charity and compassion, not criticism. You know nothing about Christianity or Christian love.

Urn... we do know that Jesus isn’t in a grave, you idiot!
-Realist one. Idiots nil.

Dear Bastard Bob:
If you could be any type of animal, excluding the puffer fish, llamas, and el Salvadorian Green Iguanas, what type of animal would you be?

-The Crow

I would be a weasel.
Because they’re weasily.

-HaKohen

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Dear Ha Kohen, You are boring. You’re like a long poem with too much alliteration and too little clemencertation.

Clementeration? I don’t think that’s a real word. Is this George Bush?

--------------------------

Realist Staff:
I know who all of you are. Stop your publication, or I will release all your names and you will never get jobs in ministry. Ever. You have been warned.
Anonymous

We all already have jobs in ministry - I might be your Pastor.

------------------------------------

Hey there Bob and you other people:

I hope you all can make amends and find it in your hearts to forgive Cutty Sark. It is the Christian thing to do. Get him back on board where he belongs. Sure, he was a crazy, rude drunkard. Sure, he swears at people and writes inappropriate e-mails, but I really liked him. He addressed all the subjects that everyone else ignores. He’s not afraid to say what he thinks. He also brought out the best in all of you, especially Bastard Bob.

Please give him one more chance,
Dave

Dave, you’ve convinced us. We also agree that Cutty Sark is a crazy, rude drunkard, but hey, we all have our vices. And forgiveness is what we’re all about here at The Realist.

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TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT YOUR MOM TO
FIND IN YOUR ROOM

10) Birth Control
9) A nude someone of the same sex
8) A Planned Parenthood pamphlet.
7) A Source Adult Video Membership Card.
6) Pictures of old people in compromising positions.
5) A fake ID
4) A blow-up doll
3) Tracts from the Society for Krishna Consciousness
2) A small baggie filled with green leaves
And.., the number one thing you don’t want your mom to find in your room...
1) A picture of you in drag, wearing her lingerie!

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Abortion: A Woman’s Choice

When does life begin? This question is of grave importance in regards to the issue of Abortion. The fundamentalists claim that life begins at conception in which the soul is given to the newly conceived ferns. Traditionalists claim that life begins at birth where the soul is given upon the infant’s first breath. Since, most of us at a Bible College would sit on the side of Fundamentalist and use the weak defense of “thou shalt not kill” as support for our argument, I will defend the choice of a woman to decide what to do with the flesh that is growing in her body. This is a defense for pro-choice using the Bible, history and tradition to formulate my argument. Remember to keep an open mind, because you may have been brainwashed as I was.

Fundamentalists may be surprised that traditional Jewish interpretation would lend support for the Pro- choice side. Jewish interpretation traditionally has understood that the soul of a human was given upon the first breath of the child. Consider, Genesis 2:7, “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.” This verse is stating that it was the breath that gave life to Adam. He was formed but it was not until his first breath that he was alive. Also, Consider Job 33:44 “The Spirit of God bath made me, and the breath of the Almighty bath given me life.” The breath of the Spirit of the Almighty gives life, not conception, as many would believe.

Ezekiel 37:1-6 describes the infamous story about the dry bones. Miraculously, flesh and bones are brought together out of Dry Bones, but the life is not given until it is breathed into them from God. As with the formation of Adam, it is not until the first breath is breathed, that they are regarded as living.

Exodus 21:22 supports Pro-choice’s idea that a fetus is not alive; therefore it should not be regarded as a human. It states, “When men strive together, and hurt a woman with child, so that there is a miscarriage, and yet no harm follows, the one who hurt her shall be fined, according as the woman’s husband shall lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine.” Violence has induced an abortion but the ferns in not considered a human and the traditional death penalty is not applied for murder Abortion, then, is not considered a capital offense by God or a violation of the commandment, “Thou shalt not kill.” This commandment can no longer be used as a defense to the Pro-life camp.
God is called upon to bring about abortions. Look at Hosea 9:14-16. “Give them, 0 Lord: what wilt thou give? Give them a miscarrying womb (an abortion) and dry breasts.. .yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. In this case God causes abortions; the prophet prays that these women will abort. If these are truly innocent children, how could God do this? But they are not, they are “miscarrying wombs,”“imperfect substances” and God kills the innocent. Abortion is not seen as evil when used by the purpose of God. Maybe, it is not a sin that Pro-life adamantly claims it is.

Abortion may or may not be a sin but we must remember not to force our will onto other people for Paul states in Galatians 2:21, “Follow the example of Jesus, let those that want Christ come to you. Do not force the grace of God on anyone. God has the power, not only to give life, but to save.” Only God can breathe life into humanity. Claiming that life begins at conception is a gross misinterpretation of scripture because a faithful interpretation recognizes that life is breathed into the body upon birth. Life is given at birth; therefore, Christians should show grace to women who choose to end unwanted pregnancies.

Put yourself in her shoes before you condemn her choice.

By: Cutty Sark

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Editor’s Note: This was actually submitted a long time ago... around the time of the freedom of speech versus anonymity debate. Sorry it took so long to print it, Loft! No hard feelings.

Why Writers of Independent Liberal Christian Thought Publications might want to use Pseudonyms...

I’ve now read several issues of The Realist, and I’ve noticed that many of the authors choose to write under an assumed pen-name, rather than reveal their respective identities with a signed true autograph. From casual conversations from other Realist readers, I’ve discovered that several individuals find the use of a pseudonym to be cowardly or discrediting to the magazine. Some have made the remark that if a person has something to say, he or she should have the decency to attach a real name to the work. It appears to me that people who regard The Realist as a troublesome publication believe that disgruntled writers are hiding behind a pseudonym in order to get away with bashing other people. I am not writing to condone the practice of publishing anonymous slander against a person or specific group; however, I do believe that pseudonyms have a place in writing, and I also think I may understand why some writers may feel a sense of security when writing under a pen-name.

This is my third article that I have written for The Realist. Initially, I was tempted to write under a pseudonym. I have used pseudonyms in the past when writing for various publications. I’m always terrified that my articles will find their way into the hands of my former professors; I constantly feel the dread of knowing that someone may notice my comma splices or pronoun reference problems.

The first evening I actually saw my article published I immediately wished I had written under a pseudonym. I walked into the S.U. lounge and saw a red-faced student snatching copies of issue three out of people’s hands, ripping them up and throwing them in the trash. I was a little bit nervous. I couldn’t help but wonder if this person’s rage was the result of what I had written. Then I began to think what this person may do if he knew that my address and phone number were in the telephone book. It’s a little silly, I know, but thinking back to some of my experiences with conservative Evangelicals, some individuals have become violent in certain disagreements. I was afraid of being harassed. Thankfully, no one has done so, yet watching that man rip up the paper made me understand why some writers would feel safer under the veil of a pen-name.

Loft Gluckstein

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Snake Handling
In a society that expects bang for its buck, it is getting harder for the evangelist to Fleece the Flock; therefore, I have decided to teach the reliable moneymaker of Snake Handling. It is shame that not all Bible Schools offer starving students a get rich scheme in order to make their astronomical tuition payments. So for you out there that needs coin quickly but do not have any other resources, I have decided to give 10 guidelines to Snake handling, It has been making Southern Baptist Churches as well as Pentecostals rich for years. A student can be like Paul, walking away from snakebites, but unlike Paul we will make a little money. Good luck and enjoy.

1. Make sure to use the 1611 Version of the King James of the Bible because it is the only one that will support your insane beliefs.
2. Build up a tolerance to Rattle Snake Venom by injecting yourself in small doses of such venom. A minimum of 3 months is recommended.
3. Pick out the largest snake because its venom is less lethal than smaller ones. Also, a large snake just looks cooler. Remember: It is a show!!!
4. Remember to take snake juice medicine before the show. Just in case you do get bit, you always need to be prepared. If you do get bit, act like Paul by shaking it off and walking away. It is quite painful to have the fangs stuck in you, so pretend that you are speaking in tongues when screaming out in agony.
5. Also, make sure you put the snakes in the fridge for a couple of hours before the show. This will make the snakes less active. It will be less likely to bite you.
6. For liability reasons, make sure to state that you are not encouraging people to take up a snake, but you are only insinuating that those with enough Faith can handle snakes. Nobody wants to get sued over this; you are here to make money.
7. If someone is bit and they hit the ground, make sure to wave your hands in a miraculous manner making it look like you moved them in the Spirit.
8. If someone dies, condemn him/her for not having faith. Don’t feel sympathy because this will make it appear condone sinners. You need to make the survivors feel blessed so they donate to the cause.
9. Also, it is important to have a booth in the foyer with, DVD’s, CD’s and T-shirts. For example, t-shirts that state, “I survived the great snake revival of 2005, God loves me!” One must make as much money as possible to pay our dastardly tuition.
10. A gift offering is also very important way to bring in the money. Make sure to insist that it is a gift to God. Guilt is a great motivator to generous donations.

By: The Chief

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F.U.B.A.R.
Who has the right to use this term? That is what we at The Realist have been trying to figure out. So here is our list of people who have the right to use this term.
1. If you have been in one of the World Wars, Korea, Vietnam or the Gulf Wars. You have won the right to use F.U.B.A.R.
2. If you have ever survived a car accident in which people have died. You have earned the right to use F.U.B.A.R.
3. If you have been born in a southern red neck family. You have inherited the right to use F.U.B.A.R.
4. If you have to pull an all-nighter because you are to stupid to get you work ahead of time. You do not have the right to use F.U.B.A.R.
5. Finally, if you are the president and you look at the deficit you are F.U.B.A.R.ed. and have dubiously earned the right to use F.U.B.A.R.

If you do not know what F.U.B.A.R. means, you need to watch the movie Saving Private Ryan for an explanation.

By Tommy Lebowsky

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The following article is a condensed version of a paper I wrote a few years ago on the social situation described in Paul first letter to the Corinthians. I’ve cut it down to the best of my abilities; however, it‘s still quite lengthy. I’ve asked the editor of The Realist to release in two parts. Part II will contain a bibliography.

1 Corinthians from a Social Perspective: Part 1

Jesus as the Corinthians Saw Him
NT Scholarship from the Social Perspective

New Testament scholarship approached from the traditional dialectical perspective — that is humanity, in its immanence, has a miraculous encounter with a transcendent being — leads to a biased, limited frame of reference. When this type of “genre criticism” of the New Testament Hermeneutics, which focuses on interpreting texts with the intention of shedding new light on the Christ, attempts to explain Christian origins, or the original “Christ Myth,” the scholar is trapped in a fallacy of self-justification. Burton L. Mack calls this attempt at self-justification, the “Catch —22 of New Testament Scholarship.” Mack states, “the New Testament is taken as proof for the conventional picture of Christian origins, and the conventional picture is taken as proof for the way in which the New Testament came to be written” (2001, 64). The problem lies in the fact that New Testament scholarship survives within the framework of Christianity — for it is “Christian in its derivation and definition (ibid). The “Christian approach” to the NT scholarship leads to a rigid framework that has definite solid boundaries; thus scholars can only come up with the same conclusions. In order for something new to be breathed back into the origins of Christianity, New Testament scholarship needs to be approached from a new angle. A social perspective is needed in order to give us a new outlook on the letter of 1 Corinthians; for “religion is generated by social interests, and [it functions] to maintain and manipulate social interest just as other systems of signs and patterns of practices that structure human societies” (ibid 84).

The Historical Context
In a social context, the formation of the early Christ cult in Corinth entails an exchange, or a coming together of the christos ideology from Paul, combined with existing and changing ideologies in Corinth. Therefore, the mythic framework of the early Christ cult should be seen as fluid and dynamic entity, rather than a rigid, formalized theological doctrine that was passed from God to Jesus, Jesus to Paul, and finally, Paul to the Corinthians. In his book, The Christian Myth, Mack refers to religion within the context of a social construct; he states that common notion of personal religious experience is highly inadequate for defining a religion. More importantly than the individual religious experiences — which are experienced by people in many different ways — are the shared “myths, rituals, symbols, beliefs and patterns of thinking” (68). Mack points out that it is the social agreements and their subsequent rewards and possibilities that people come to in religions that need to be the focus of religious study, especially in Christianity. In the social formation context, the members of the Christ cults become social experimenters — they form new myths as an attempt “to regain sanity in a social situation that threatens human well-being” (ibid 70).

A background of the social situation in antiquity Corinth is necessary in order for one to understand why new social groups were forming and rearranging themselves like the early Christ cults and what ideas were circulating at the time. Between the eighth and second centuries BCE, Corinth was arguably one of the most important cities in Greece. Corinth was politically and economically important as a result of its location — it lay at the isthmus connecting Peloponnese to central Greece. In was a main trade centre between the Aegean Sea and the Gulf of Corinth. However, the city was laid to ruin in 146 BCE, by Roman conquest (Winter 7). One hundred years later, the Roman Empire began rebuilding the city from the ground up. And although scholars like Winter are quick to point out that the rebuilt Corinth was definitely a “Roman” city, with its cultural basis in Roman roots and not Greek, the city was composed of people from different cultural backgrounds. The city saw a massive influx of people from various cultural and social backgrounds; including, non-Roman freed slaves from Greece, Syria, Judaea, and Egypt (Murphy—O’Connor, from Smith 15). Thus, the ethnographic composition of Corinth was the perfect setting for Mack’s “social experimentation” — wherein rituals, ideas and myths were being traded, adopted, abandoned and synchronized.

Traditionally, it has been thought that Paul’s core idea of the Christ myth is found in 1 Corinthians 15: 3-5. Bultmann was the first to suggest that the verses three to five as the “kerygrnai”, “proclamation” as central to Christianity from the time of Paul to the present. Today, most conservative Christians site these verses as the basis for their core beliefs — or some variation of these verses. A contemporary Christian may suggest that it was Christ’s message of salvation through belief and a personal relationship with him that the Corinthians saw as the main attractions to Christianity. But scholars like Keith Thomas and Richard Rothaus have pointed out that this emphasis on belief and personal commitment to Christ did not really arise until the time of the Reformation (Rothaus 4). Christian salvation entailed the apocalypse; which was not an important attraction for cultures in the Eastern Mediterranean because “apocalyptic projections of judgments calculated to destroy the bad and reward the good have not attraction of their own. One needs to already belong to that which is “good,” and for reasons that are not rooted in an apocalyptic mentality” (Mack 1995, 109).

1 Corinthians in Social Context of Ancestors and Family
When examining 1 Corinthians, it becomes apparent that some sort of drastic miscommunication took place between Paul and the Corinthians. There obviously were discrepancies surrounding what Paul understood as central to his Gospel and how the Corinthians interpreted his message. We wish to discover what exactly attracted these people to Paul’s Christ Myth, how they understood the myth, and what parts of it they choose to incorporate into their existing sets of beliefs. A particularly interesting angle to take on 1 Corinthians is that Paul’s Gospel offered some Corinthians a deity who could provide them with a substitute “mobile ancestor,” one that was not bound to a specific locality and who could replace the ancestors they left behind when they moved to Corinth. It is necessary to understand what an important role ancestry, lineage, and family played in the personal identity of a person from antiquity. Evidence for the possibility of Christ as a substitute ancestor is found within Paul’s use of language, which connotes a sense of family or possible ancestral lineage (as demonstrated in his use of the term some (“body of Christ”) and Paul’s references to Adam). Another possibility is that some Corinthians may have viewed Christ as some sort of mediator between the living and the dead. Of utmost importance are the Old Testament terms obol (“Spirits of the Dead” ) and yidde ‘oni (“wizard,”“magician,” or “soothsayer”); for it is possible that some Corinthians may have understood Paul’s Christ or the Holy Spirit as something similar to one of these concepts. Unfortunately, the letter of 1 Corinthians does not really directly address the issue of Christ as a connection to dead ancestors; thus we are forced to read between the lines, and extrapolate indirect references to the dead and practices associated with them.

Afterlife and Ancestors
Dale B. Martin has suggested that there was not a general concern for everlasting life in Greco-Roman culture because people did not expect eternal life from their gods. Gods were viewed as providers of mundane things — things of immediate use — like good health, financial fortune, protection and even knowledge of missing possessions, like runaway slaves; rather than abstract concepts like eternal life and salvation (108). People lived in difficult times, food was scarce and poverty abundant, and they needed gods who would grant them advantage in everyday struggles, not a promise of a better life after death. Yet, Martin admits that the baptism of the dead, found in 1 Corinthians 15, demonstrates that at least several Corinthians” believe in some kind of afterlife for their loved ones — even perhaps, those who were not baptized during their lives” (121).
The people who settled the rebuilt city of Corinth were foreigners, people who left their homelands — and subsequently abandoned their dead, buried ancestors. By the time Paul visited in approximately 50 CE, these settlers were second or third generation Corinthians with geographical roots spanning all across the Eastern Mediterranean; yet every tribe would have still remembered the dead they left behind. Mack writes that although each particular culture of the Eastern Mediterranean has its own specific concepts regarding the nature of the dead, the spiritual realm, and funeral procedures, identity of the culture resided within a people’s “land, traditions, and ancestors” (1995, 109). Moreover, it was the shrines dedicated to the dead that signified the ownership of land to a group of people. Because people were separated from their buried ancestors, they felt a strong sense of dislocation from traditions and cultural familiarities (1995, 109-110).
Mack asks the questions “what if joining the Christ cult exacerbated the problem [of dislocation from ancestorsi instead of solving it? What if joining the Christ cult had inadvertently threatened one’s sense of belonging to the ancestral traditions lodged in the local cult of the dead?” (ibid). Mack’s particular example in Who Wrote the New Testament, pertains to the Thessalonians. Yet, one could ask the same question of the Corinthians, for they were also victims of the cultural alienation set forth by the Roman Empire and would have longed for some connection to family lineage found within the dead ancestors who were buried across the Eastern Mediterranean. If dead ancestors were indeed so important to people of the Eastern Mediterranean, and in this case the Corinthians, it would seem that the Christ cult would have had to offer a solution to this problem of loss of family connections instead of complicating it further. If the Christ cult exacerbated the problem of ancestral alienation, it is doubtful that people would have accepted the Christ deity at all. But it is apparent that some Corinthians were able to fit this new alien Christ into their existing set of beliefs. Although it is difficult to ascertain what exactly the Christ cult offered these Corinthians in regards to a substitute ancestor, we can make some inferences. (Continued in a latter issue)

-Dave McCaferty

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Stark Reality
This Easter, a pastor at my friend’s church did a sermon on the hope that Christ provides for us. This well- meaning but painfully overconfident preacher was convinced that he could approach someone who is about to commit suicide, and be able to stop the individual’s course of destruction by telling him or her about Jesus. This notion only serves, once again, to infuriate me at the ignorance of society towards enigmatic issues such as depression and suicide.

Last fall, my brother hung himself in our basement with an extension cord.

He had been a Christian for the majority of his life; he was an honors student at a Christian University, volunteered at the local homeless shelter, led Bible study, and was a visionary who had dreams to change the world by intervening for the poor and oppressed and giving hope to those in distress. Around this time last year, he fell into serious depression triggered by a hereditary mental illness which had claimed the lives of two preceding relatives. I remember him telling me that he stayed awake all night, for months on end, pleading with God to heal him and to fill him with hope for the future; but to no avail. Encouraging words from family and friends were uttered in futility — the chemical imbalance within his brain prevented any light from taking root. Where is God in all this?

I remember the day my brother died. Motionless on the couch, I was approached by a member of my church who offered a small morsel of smarmy comfort: he said, “You’re going to pull through this; God will never give you more than you can handle.” Here the man was alluding to and employing his own rendition of 1 Corinthians 10:13. My impassioned response to this man’s reasoning was, “Well, did He give my brother more than he could handle?”

1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength.” My brother was definitely tested beyond his strength — he could no longer endure the experience of constant death within life. However, this passage goes on to say “He will also provide the way out.” Suicide is a way out. Is it possible that suicide is a way out provided by God?

Just because we are Christians and have the hope of Christ does not mean that we are invincible against the plagues of depression and suicide — and we need to stop pretending we are. We think that dealing with sin or finding Jesus are solutions to these problems. “Jesus is the answer” is an obsequious religious cop-out that pardons us from taking responsibility and action in our world. Depression is not explicitly a spiritual malady, but an illness, a cancer of the emotions, a component of our fallen physical forms that requires treatment. Our ignorance in this area leads us to judge, label and isolate those in our communities who suffer daily with contemplations of ending their own lives — and thus prevent the formation of a community which can effectively support these people. We have become superficial in our relationships and cannot be real with others about how we are really doing in our emotional and spiritual lives. We readily condemn suicide victims (and everyone else who’s not like us) to hell.

Maybe if we gave a damn and took depression more seriously, our friends wouldn’t feel the need to die alone.

-Bronwen Poultney

Thank you, Bronwen for being so open. Depression is a serious issue that cannot be ignored. If you are depressed, you are not alone. There are many at school who are working through it, including myself. Please seek help at our student life department. We are a community of individuals that can help each other throughout the difficult times. Our prayers and thoughts are with the Poultney family.

- The Realist

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Christian Radio Bull$*@#

I have become increasingly irritated with the rubbish that has been hitting the airwaves lately in the name of Christ. I do appreciate the odd worship song and as such am grateful for the chance to sing in my car, but for the most part, Fm finding my friends down at the “well-lit” station are pulling a bit of a fast one on us. Plus it bothers me that they stole their name from probably the creepiest Christian band in recent history.

Two commercials in particular are still ringing in my ear, so I’ll leave them with you in the hopes of tainting your impressions of what I think is a marketplace at the temple gates.

The first is an email I sent my friend in England the night I heard a certain commercial on a certain station. I was certainly jaded that night. Please pardon the expletive. I don’t even swear. (Although I hear Luther did and that’s liberating.)

“The future of Canada is in the hands of the church” is what the commercial for a Christian leaders conference said to me tonight. I said buil$*@# and turned the dial to Mariah Carey singing about her boyfriend. It was heavenly.

I think the future of Canada is in the hands of God. I think the future of everything is in the hands of God and I really don’t like it when Christians lie to make money off Christians.

Secondly, you may have heard you could go on a trip with the cast members of the
morning show. That’s cool. Lots of stations do that, so way to be up-to-date!
However, the commercial advertising the trip says, “Join me for a spiritual trip to
Mexico.”

I’ve done some research, and believe me, the trip sounds mighty spiritual. They are going shopping, laying on the beach and even stopping to see the church in the city of Manzanillo. I tried to talk to the host of the trip, who is also the host of the morning show to ask him about the spiritual content of the trip but he couldn’t be reached at time of print. Seems to me that we are being sold a holiday, packaged in the box of Christianity and wrapped with a Jesus-ribbon. If it was a trip to the Holy Land I might have different feelings. I’ll be the first to sign up for that one.

Regardless, I think I’m going to go on this one too, and enjoy some Christian margaritas on the beach. I heard Luther also enjoyed doing that. Why don’t you join us?
For reservations and information call:
Newwest Travel __________or _____________

By: Casual Observer.

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The following is taken from Chicken Sh*t for the Soul. A Collection of Inspiring Tales

Shame and the Fast Eddie Fiasco:

I was in the sixth grade at __________Elementary School. I remember it was near the end of the year and my teacher was taking all of us to Fast Eddie’s for a pizza party. Unfortunately, I was scheduled to have my tubes taken out of my ears that same afternoon. My mom decided that I wouldn’t have to miss the party because the procedure was minor, the doctor would only take an instrument and pull the small pieces of plastic out of my middle ear - there was no need for anesthetics.
The procedure was over in ten minutes and my mom sped all the way to Fast Eddie’s. I remember that she weaved in and out of cars on the Whitemud Freeway. I remember she took the turn onto Argyll too quickly. I stumbled into the restaurant. When you have tubes removed from your middle ear you equilibrium is altered. Your natural balance for walking and depth perception deteriorates. Even your speech becomes slurred. I sat down at the table and ordered a coke. The pizzas were already on the table and I helped myself to a couple slices of Hawaiian. The room started to spin.
I tried to talk and tell my teacher that I didn’t feel well, but my speech was garbled. I stood up and pushed back my chair. I fell back down from the dizziness. I got back up and started running towards the bathroom. I remember taking big steps from side to side, afraid that I would lose my balance entirely and fall over. The Hawaiian pizza in my stomach shifted. I looked up trying to get my bearings. I started to overheat. My forehead was sweating. I took off my jacket. While I was taking those giant disoriented steps, I threw up into my Jean jacket - right on the back of the New York Yankees Logo. Thick and chunky vomit slid across the back of the jacket and into the pockets, ruining my collection of Marvel Universe Cards, I was stepping in it too. It was seeping through the tops of my shoes into my socks. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there. My balance was so off that I swayed from side to side. I must have vomited loudly because the class heard me. They left the tables and gathered in a large semi-circle around me - far enough away to avoid getting hit if another stomach assault was launched, yet close enough to smell the object of my embarrassment.
I started to shake. I sank to my knees in the vomit puddle. My jeans became wet. My teacher called my mother, and a young waitress began picking up my mess with paper towels from the bathroom. She dry heaved a couple of times. Never had shame tasted so much like bile. I sat outside on the cold concrete steps and waited for my mother to pick me up. No one spoke to me. When my mother finally arrived I left without anyone noticing. I often wonder what they all did after I had left. Did they go back to eating their various delicious pizzas and appetizers? Did they pretend that the pool of vomit only a few feet away did not exist? Did they talk about me? I wish I had had a chance to explain and blame the situation on equilibrium deficiency. Shame has made me who I am today.
Bastard Bob

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Luke 24:51 And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.
Acts 1:9-11 And when he had spoken these things, while they beheld, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of their sight. And while they looked steadfastly toward heaven as he went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel; which also said, Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven? This same Jesus, who is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven.

Many times when Tread my Bible, I find myself wondering just how I’m supposed to take certain things. It’s not that I’m a skeptic or that I need to understand every little detail of my faith, but I just can’t stop myself from questioning certain things. However these “certain things” have been bothering to me more than usual in the last couple of days.

A few years ago when I was reading through the Bible, I found myself struggling with the story of Elijah. Although not entirely a new concept considering Moses ascension at Sinai (Gen. 5:24) the idea that he had been carried up into heaven seemed little more than a fanciful description of his death. By the time I came to the ascension of Jesus however I no longer felt comfortable resorting to this type of dismissal on either account. Feeling confronted with a problem I asked a very pointed question to myself, “Where is Jesus now?” At that time I did a little searching but found nothing of interest other than a few crack-pots willing to toss the whole Bible into the recycling bin. Feeling rather exhausted I convinced myself that it wasn’t even worth thinking about and went on with my life by accepting the simplest and most thwarting answer of, “seated at the right hand of the Father” (Rom. 8:34).

This week I find myself face to face with this question again however, this time not quite as susceptible to evasive answers. As these things usually do, this question has taken my focus off almost everything else and staged a fortress in the front of my mind. The question “Where is Jesus now” has gotten to me and so I am determined to answer it.
For Christians a basic tenant of faith has always been the belief in the bodily resurrection. What’s more Christ also returns in the flesh just as he left in the flesh suggesting that he is for lack of a better word “trapped” in a human body. For believers He is eternally the Son; sacrificial in more regards than we can ever understand, and that’s what is so interesting about the ascension. We are forced to see this account as the historical ascension of an earthly body into the heavenly realm, but how can this be?

At first I thought that I might suggest a duality of Christ but it seems unfair to the text to suggest that His natures have been completely severed and that he is somehow everywhere and yet nowhere though there exists such a debate. Where is Jesus now? An evangelist’s answer might be, “He is certainly not everywhere though he can be reached from anywhere.” But such statements do not really address the issue.

Though seemingly not a necessary doctrine of the faith the ascension does play quite an important role in the descriptors of the second-coming. It is because of this that I am uncomfortable ignoring the issue, nor am I content in suggesting that the ascension is a mere literary device to describe the resurrection. A simple reading of the texts will tell us that this incident is meant to stand on its own. We are it seems, meant to understand Christ as being raised into heaven, human body and all.

Although some might suggest that Jesus is now somehow only spirit and focus on the assumed movements through space and doors, content to throw literary concerns completely aside, this is hardly a fair prognosis considering that Christ ate. Moreover He also walked. One can’t help but conclude; at least to some extent, that Christ was bound to human characteristics.

A true skeptic might argue that the ascension is a fictional work meant only to split the books of Luke-Acts and is a significant sign of importance as it ushered in a new era. One might suggest that the ascension could be a mere confirmation of the parousia for the early church. After all, the Temple had just been destroyed (depending on how you date Luke) and the people were seeing signs of the “end of days” all around them and some were even denying the parousia all together (2 Pet. 3:4). Perhaps the description of a bodily ascension was used solely to counter the Gnostic idea of a spiritual return of Christ (2 Thess. 2:2). Given the right information people can convince themselves of almost anything. The trouble comes rushing back to us though, as soon as we remind ourselves that the Bible is not simply a work of fiction. We are not let off so easily. The Bible presents these eye witness accounts not as poetry or cleverly devised schemes but as historical descriptors that bear witness to Christ’ divinity and humanity: a paradox that is presented as returning in like fashion. The question of “Where is Jesus now?” seems unrelenting.

For people in the first century the answer seems so simple. Heaven is up. In biblical times people largely thought of heaven as the firmament or clouded area across the sky and the region of the stars as being the dwelling place of God just beyond. There was no understanding of thinning air at high altitudes. For them Jesus was forever the man they knew sitting up there somewhere readying himself for his return. We however are not blessed enough to have the benefit of thinking this way. The collapse of traditional cosmology with the great discoveries of Copernicus will simply not allow it. The revolving earth and Newtonian Physics have made for a rather certain destruction of that simplistic view of the heavens. No longer can Christians reasonably look up to the stars as if to see a staircase to Jesus. The question “Where is Jesus now?” is more difficult to answer than all of that.

Did he leave the Milky Way and find some oxygen rich, fruit filled planet somewhere and sit down with a great white bearded God? A human body is made of matter isn’t it? Apparently he had blood in his body, He needed air, and ground and food, did He not? Though laws like cell-life governing a resurrected body might be something extraordinary it does seem a bit odd to think of Jesus floating up form off of a planet where up is different depending where the earth is in rotation (if there is an up) so that he can live in the sky. We have been in planes and we have been to space, but we have not yet seen him.

Now I am not quite ready to abandon my Bible just to replace it with yet another misplaced search for the “historical Jesus,” nor will I leave this “a necessary myth.” And I’m not even going to attempt to get into the presence of Christ in the Eucharist. And because I am a Trinitarian, I am forced to conclude that Jesus still has a glorified yet human body. For me it seems best to say that Jesus used the beliefs of the people much like the belief that the mustard seed is the smallest of all seeds, to symbolize something to the people in a way that they could culturally understand. But I have not answered the question and now find myself stuck with a Christ that would humor the people he loves.
I wonder, did God create another physical dimension; a place for Christ to wait? Is it naive to think that even though Jesus has a body, that the God who created the universe has not given away all His secrets? In answering the question “Where is Jesus now”? I have to say, “I don’t know!” Though it may seem to some a blatant cop-out, it may just be that humanity is simply not meant to fathom the possibilities that lay at the hands of perfection incarnate. To me, it seems that the question “where is Jesus now?” is answered best by saying just what I would have said two years ago. Jesus is “seated at the right hand of the Father” where and whatever that might mean.

Brad Childs

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Do we really have a Duty to Pursue Truth?
A man evangelized to me on _______ Avenue a couple of months ago. He said that I should be searching for God and truth in life — that I have an obligation to use my god-given reason to pursue truth. He also insinuated that if I tried hard enough, I would find what I’m looking for; he said “Seek and ye shall find.” I have heard this argument before I do not know if I buy into it. Do I really have a duty to myself to pursue truth? Is it possible for me to find truth? This evangelist got me thinking about truth and if we have a duty to pursue it and if truth is attainable.

When speaking of epistemic justification in deontological terms, we can say that one has a duty or an obligation to pursue the end of seeking truth and avoiding falsehood or as Stuep puts it: vis-à-vis eptistemic end: “the end of seeking truth and avoiding error, which is ultimately the end of acquiring knowledge” (69). Epistemic duty arises out of the works of Descartes in the seventeenth century. Descartes believed that careless judgment is a misuse and abuse of our intellectual freedom. A proposition ought to be believed only if its truth is clearly evident In order to discover a proposition’s intrinsic truth or falsehood, we only have to use our God given reason. John Locke expands on this idea in his Essay Concerning Human Understanding; in which he states: “he that makes use of the light and faculties God has given him, and seeks sincerely to discover truth, by those helps and abilities he has, may have this satisfaction in doing his duty as a rational creature.”

It is interesting that in asserting duty or obligation upon a subject, the subject is also liable to incur blame and criticism in failure to meet his or her epistemic duty. Suddenly one becomes responsible for his or her beliefs and cannot simply plead intellectual ignorance on the day of judgment. This duty makes us seek out and solidify what we believe — and according to Descartes, Locke, and my evangelist friend, it is possible for us to do so. I think that there are several problems with this idea; or rather there are several premises that must be accepted before one can accept this argument.

First, one must assume the categorical imperative in order to say that we have a duty to believe only what we clearly perceive as truth. This is not always the case; for example, a utilitarian would not believe in one’s duty to pursue truth if it were not for the benefit of society. In the case of utilitarianism, sometimes people promote false beliefs and try to convince others of these false notions. Secondly, one must assume that Absolute Truth exists. If it doesn’t, how will I ever reach it.

Descartes and Locke also assume that we as humans can apprehend truth by rational means — if truth exists, it is comprehendible. Although Richard Feldman agrees with this idea and says that we should believe in accordance with evidence, this still does not tell us much about how we are to go about apprehending knowledge. A model of deontological epistemic justification as follows:

I am justified in believing a premise if and only if I believe the premise and it is not my duty to refrain from believing said premise.

However, it is important to note that this notion of epistemic duty does not work in all situations. A deontological conception or worldview presupposes that humans are autonomous beings, in control of their cognitive process. Since many of our perceptual beliefs are involuntary, I suggest that these beliefs cannot rightfully be subjected to epistemic duty.

Each person’s beliefs are the sum of his or her experiences and knowledge. And I cannot force myself to believe something no matter how hard I try. Not to mention the fact that my so-called god-given reason is often contrary to the ideas concerning a god whose omnipotence and omniscience is often incompatible with various theological concepts. The bottom line is while I believe in the pursuit for truth; I do not accept that the path to it is as clear as some people would like to think. And while I may have a duty to pursue truth and that may be as far as I get in my journey. The act of pursing truth may be the end in itself, rather than a means to absolute truth.

Ha Kohen

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A plain language retort to the Ontological Argument.

Although this theory has been masterfully adapted in numerous times and places, (such as the theory of Emmanuel Kant’s Innate idea) the so-called Ontological Argument is generally assumed to have found its beginnings in the work of Anselm of Canterbury. Quite simply this argument for the existence of god is based on two short statements and a conclusion. They are as follows:

Statement 1. Human beings have an innate sense of a perfect and eternal being.
Statement 2. In order for something to be perfect, it must first exist.
Conclusion. A perfect and eternal being must exist because the concept of perfection
exists.

Problem: Simply because a person can conceive of something; that does not mean that this thing must be.

In other words an insane man might conceive that a living Stegosaurus has entered into his car, however the apparition does not automatically determine the existence of said Stegosaurus. Human beings can conceive of a seemingly infinite number of impossibilities. These impossibilities could then conceivably include the existence of a god. In addition, it is important to ask the question: What god is being conceived of?” Almost certainly no two people could hold to the exact same understanding of what god is. Additionally this argument does not take into account the very real possibility that humans lack the ability to conceive of both perfection and eternity.

In my mind, it is better to follow the perfect example of Jesus Christ, in an attempt to represent god on earth then it is to coerce into any discussion that includes the word “Argument” in its title.

—Brad Childs

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Instructions on how to Cast out Smoking Demons
1) Make sure to wear all white. Smoking-Demons fear God’s favorite color and fear cleanliness in general. Also make sure your belt and shoes are clean and colorless.
2) Always make sure to talk to the Smoking-Demon as much as possible. Start simple. Ask the demon for its name. If it is truly a Smoking- Demon it will tell you by using the patented, impossible-to-fake, groggily voice. His name will almost always be Cigarette, or Smoke, or Tobacco but if he is named Lust or after one of the other 7 deadly sins makes sure to bind these spirits first before moving on to the Smoking Demon.
3) To bind spirits: hold your bible close. Don’t open it, or read it, or know anything inside it, just hold it out in front of you and say, “Smoking- Demon I bind you with the blood of Je-a-sus-a!” (Use an imaginary lasso and God will grant you its power.) Immediately the man-demon will be frozen in place.
4) Next remember to prolong the incident long enough for your crew to film the event so that creepy music can be added to it in time for your next show.
5) Now that you have all the appropriate media, take you bible, (bible must be a black, soft, flexible, leather bound KJV) and lightly fold it to a 9Odegree angle in your hand.
6) At this point you must simultaneous yell out, “Come out! I command you!” and hit the possessed person with the bound end of the bible either on the forehead or in the center of the chest.
7) If your possessed person has fallen over then have your helpers pick him or her up and help the newly freed person back to his or her seat.
8) If at any time you are confronted with “reality”, just remember that theology is your enemy and that it is the devils trickery.
9) Your final step is to ask for large amounts of funds to continue your important work.

By Cutty Sark

The Realist Online: Issue 7

2006-08-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry to say this but the Realist Issue 7 seems to be missing along with Issue 2.5

We will keep searching but we're messy people.

The Realist Online: Issue 6

2006-08-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

The Realist Online: Issue 6

Bob gets a Serious Email and Freaks out

I recently visited the website www.godhatesfaos.com, a website put out by Pastor Fred Phillips and the congregation of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas (these are the same people who picketed Freddy Mercury’s funeral with posters proclaiming: “Freddy is burning in Hell” and “Thank God! One more fag gone!.” On the website, the first icon the reader sees is a warning sign: ‘Warning: Gospel Preaching Ahead.” The site creators list a bunch of Bible verses under various headings that eventually deduce the ultimate damnations of the “Sodomite dogs.” Here’s a sample of their Gospel Preachin’:
THE SODOMITES’ ONLY HOPE IS TO HAVE THE UNAMBIGUOUS TRUTH PREACHED TO THEM, AND PERHAPS GOD
WILL SOFTEN THEIR HEARTS AND GRANT THEM REPENTANCE TO DEPART FROM THEIR SIN AND NAME THE
NAME OF CHRIST. NOT VERY LIKELY, THOUGH, SINCE GOD HAS GIVEN TI-IEM UP.

This kind of ignorant hate really pisses me off. I don’t really understand what people like this are trying to accomplish. I would like to think that the people I know in Evangelical circles are not hate mongers. Although after I sat down and thought about my own church, my family upbringing, my youth group talks and my days at Bible college, I can’t see much difference between what was being shoved down my throat and the things on this disgusting website.

I remember the first time I heard the word “fag” used. I was eight years old and my brother and I were playing some kind of war game and I had disguised myself up as a woman to avoid being caught by the Gestapo. My mom came in the room and screamed, “Take off that blouse! What are you a fag or something?” I didn’t find out what “fag” meant until a couple of months later; I had to work up the courage to ask one of my friends on the playground. “Faggot” was a word used in my house by my parents all the time. We would be watching the news and my dad would say, “Look at those fags in their Gay parade. It’s just sick. They even allow them to teach in schools. Pretty soon it’ll just be okay to be a faggot.” My pastor preached against homosexuality from the pulpit, stating that the “disease of homosexuality” would be the downfall of our society and that “AIDS is God’s punishment.” My youth pastor told me that homosexuality is the worst sin because it is a sin against one’s own body — the body of Christ; therefore, it deserves the worst punishment: eternal condemnation.

Bible College did not really help me with the homosexuality issue either. Whenever I brought up the topic in class, my peers’ answers always boiled down to: “Hate the sin. Love the sinner.” It seemed like kind of a petty answer, while we are willing to label some things in the Bible some as “cultural”, “metaphorical”, or “grey areas”, suddenly, the Bible is black and white about the issue of homosexuality: “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own hands” (Leviticus 20:13).

I met my first gay man when I was twenty years old. He was the manager at my place of employment. I’ll call him Gary. I instantly made it my duty to save him from the burning fires of hell. His response to my preaching was, “I do not believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God; therefore, I do not feel inclined to follow the tenants set forth in the flawed work God created me the way I am: I am short, I have green eyes, and I’m gay. I was born gay. That is the way God created me. I have one partner, whom I love and am devoted to.” I could never really respond to my manager’s rebuttal. If there was a god and he created everyone with intent and purpose, why had he created Gary gay? And it always seemed to me that if Gary was created gay, he never had a chance to accept Jesus into his heart with the little sinner’s prayer.

Now I know what you are thinking. You are saying to yourself, “Homosexuality is a choice, no one is born gay.” Or maybe you are thinking that homosexuality is part of “the fall” and that while a person may have homosexual feelings, he or she must repent. Are you sure? Science is on a quest to find evidence of a genetic disposition to same-sex orientation. What if scientist find a “gay-gene”?

It seems that the Bible supports the notion that some individuals might be born gay. After all, the Bible states that there will be those who believe and no those who do not: ... but you do not believe because you are not my sheep My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they know me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:26-28). Reading Acts 13:48, it appears that Gary was damned from the day he was born: “When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.” Finally, Romans 9 had me swimming in the depths of Calvinism: “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort (or action, as I would argue), but on God’s mercy...Therefore, God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden” (verses 15-18).

While thinking about the issue of homosexuality and Christianity, I went to my bookshelf. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a great deal of information on homosexuality, let alone homosexuality and the Bible. My Catholic Catechism states: The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. They do not choose their homosexual condition; for most of them rt is a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.
- Catechism of the Catholic Church 2358 and 2359

I do not know if this offers me much help in trying to sort out the issue. If this is correct, God has pre-destined millions of people to lives of loneliness and others eternal condemnation. Those who are chaste, never experience the warmth and love of a monogamous relationship, yet those who pursue the physical act of love with a member of the same sex face judgment. Even if you decide to repent after partaking in the act of love, you will have to suffer in chastity. It just does not seem fair. Why should straight people get to enjoy sex and not homosexuals? Gut then, if there is a god, who am Ito say what is fair and what is not?

I’m sorry if you thought I would come to some conclusion by the end of this rant. There is none. I have not completed an in-depth exegesis on the passages that deal with homosexuality in the Bible. It would take months to sort through all the material, and I would probably still have no definite answers — I’ll leave all that trouble to Anglican scholars. I personally do not have a problem with homosexuality, and I do not label it a “sin.” In my opinion, if there is a god, she has created us in a specific way and we should live that way. I believe that the Bible is a flawed document and most of it cannot be taken at face value but that is what I feel. If you want to know why I feel that way, you can write me an email at and I’ll send you a long letter about my views (I won’t bore the rest of you Realist’s – I recognize that most of you would disagree with me and I respect your right to disagree with me.)

I can tell you what I believe homosexuality is not. It is not a demon that should be exorcised, it is not a choice that bad people make; it is not something that should be feared. I do know that statistically speaking, you probably have twenty-five to thirty people attending your school right now who are gay, bi-sexual, bi-curious, or transgender. Statistically speaking, you probably also have a professor who is gay, bi-sexual, or transgender. The issue of homosexuality is something all Christian schools must deal with. I would suggest that an atmosphere of compassion and understanding be developed to help individuals dealing with confusing issues. If you are a Christian and you have never met a bi-sexual man or a transgender woman, you should attend a gay-straight alliance meeting at a Church or University to broaden your horizons (check out the web, See Magazine, or Vu for postings). Hiding in a bubble won’t make the issue go away. At the very least please refrain from using offensive jargon like “fag” or “dyke”—just because you believe a given life-style is wrong does not give you right to breed hate. I’ve recently had a long talk with members of my immediate family concerning the etymologies of some of their favorite hate words.

Well, I’m reading over this long rant and it seems that it has lost its point. Once again, please do not be offended by the picture and caption on page 5, it was put in to illustrate the fears a gay man goes through in Christian college dorms. If you think you may be offended, don’t read page 5, just skip over it! We at The Realist are not gay-bashers and we wish to harbor an atmosphere of respect and dignity for all people. If you are confused about your own sexual-orientation or gender identity, please get in touch with people who can share their own experiences with you. Get help; you are not alone. Thanks to Jerry for having the courage to send the caption in.

- Bastard “It’s ok to be gay” Bob

=================================================

Letter to the Editor

Dear Bob:
I recently read a copy of issue five wherein the editor, Bastard Bob, included a lengthy article describing the origin of his name. After reading this article, it would seem that his use of the word “bastard” in his pseudonym is somehow justified. But I have to ask: Is this article true? I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
- baffled

Baffled,
Some of the details may have been stretched (within the restraints of artistic license of course), yet the majority of the details are based on actual events. I cried too after I wrote it. It brought back painful memories. And good ones too.

—B-Bob

Dear Realist editor and Trent Derrick:
Bob, thank you for printing “An Interview with a Sex Trade Worker,” and Trent, thank you for having the courage to write it and put your name on it! Trent, the interview was extremely touching and I appreciated your comments at the end. You are right when you state that we as Christians can no longer ignore the problem of prostitution. Young girls are dying. We all have to do something.
- Sincerely, Jessica

I am glad you took the time to read the article, Jessica. Apparently, other people enjoyed it as well. We had a positive response from some students at Grant MacEwan College who read an issue at a bus station; they sent an email thanking us. Unfortunately, I accidentally deleted the email and can’t print it! Sorry. The Realist is getting out there and that’s great.

— B-Bob

Dear Realist Staff:
I read “Interview with a Vampire: The Realist” in the last issue of the Apocrypha. It seems that you all glorify drinking, smoking and the bar scene. (was just curious how you would respond to this observation.)

-no name given

I cannot comment on drinking with regards to the views of the other staff, I can only speak for myself. As a dry alcoholic, I no longer drink — or at least I try my very best not to touch alcohol. I believe that alcohol is a very dangerous addictive substance, and I can contest that it has the potential to ruin one’s life and drive away one’s family. However, I do not know how the other staff members feel about the issue of alcohol. With regards to smoking, I am a heavy smoker. Unfortunately, I have chosen to endorse an addictive substance like cigarettes in order to cope with my addiction to alcohol (it’s stupid I know, but I would rather smoke than drink at this point in my life). Finally, with regards to the bar scene: I do not particularly like bars, large groups of people make me nervous. The bottom line: Alcohol kills your liver. Cigarettes give you lung cancer, it would seem pretty obvious that you should not drink, nor smoke. We did conduct our Apocrypha interview at a bar, but that doesn’t mean that we glorify drinking, smoking, and night clubs. If you are trying to corner me into printing something that you can later use against me, I would say that you have too much time on your hands. I have answered your question to the best of my ability; I hope my answer is sufficient.
– Bob

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Whoroscopes

Aries — It is time to feel adventurous. You didn’t come to Bridal College for nothing. Ask someone out already. At this rate you may be in the “emm arr ess” program 5 years...

Taurus — Holy crap! Your engine just dropped. No, I’m not kidding, it’s on the road behind you. You are left with a Flintstone mobile. (This is Cutty’s sign)

Gemini —Wow You Got a Date! You Got a Date! That is so cool. Now go through some bridal magazines and cut out pictures of rings you like and send them to him. Trust me it’ll work. There’s nothing guys like more on a second date than solid commitment.

Cancer — Look man this isn’t funny anymore I have a serious problem.

Leo — Leo: ah.. . Low ... education... ah.. . ah. I got nothing’.

Virgo — It is time to be adventurous. Go into Benke. Ps. don’t forget your rubber gloves.

Libra — Apparently, even if it is your own you may not want to touch it. Kitten lover!

Scorpio- You were a bad guy on the Simpson’s once.

Sagittarius — Seriously call me baby. I need a date to the Christmas banquet. You know who you are baby. — Cutty- Broken and lonely.

Capricorn – Sick of Corn Jokes. The stars say you spend to much time reading online.

Aquarius- You eat poop. It’s way funnier with the emphasis on the last “p”. Although the word “doo doo” might be funnier.

Pisces —The stars have aligned. You will eat your own pooh or sacrifice something or... kill and eat a rabbit... I don’t know whatever Benke boys do. We Rule!

Ophiuchus — You are just plain messed up. You are outside the astrological calendar; this means you are doomed. We know who you are!!!

By Cutty: “The devourer of ‘Black and Tans” Sark

==============================================

When you Evangelize to me, please Remember...

In my last article, “Epistemological Dinner Conversation” (Issue 3), I referred to my coworker who believes my arthritis is the result of generational sin. Reading over the article again, I notice that it sounds as if I disagreed with this woman and that was that. However, truth be told, she really got under my skin. I did tell her that 1 wasn’t interested in her witchcraft but our actual conversation was quite a bit lengthier. She said, “Dan, I understand that you have some type of religious upbringing and that you used to attend a Lutheran church.” Then she went on to patronize me, stating that if I remembered my confirmation class teachings correctly, I would know that there is a verse in the Old Testament that declares that God will punish children for the sins of the father to the third and fourth generation. She couldn’t even tell me what book the verse was in.
Looking back on the whole incident, I wish that I had told her to get her Bible from her car, showed her the verse in Exodus 34 and then explained a few things to her. I wish I would have told her that generational sin in Exodus 34 likely refers to the time the Israelites were sentenced to wander in the desert. I wish I had told her that post-Babylonian exilic writings like Ezekiel and Jeremiah would seem to indicate that this idea of generational sin was a phenomenon exclusive to the desert wanderings (Ezekiell8:17 and Jeremiah 31:29-30). I wish that she would have listened to me when I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t believe in your ideas; can we please just leave it at that?”
After proclaiming my disbelief in generational sin for a second time, I sat silent, hoping she would pick up on my body language and stop the conversation, thus avoiding confrontation and hurt feelings. She did not read my body language. She continued to push her views onto me for over half an hour. After mentioning several of her acquaintances’ encounters with generational sin, she went on to site “factual examples” found in various hairy-fairy publications as well as instances of generational sin deliverance on the Bob Larsen show. Then in a roundabout way, she worked her way back to the topic of my sinful arthritis. She asked me a lot of personal questions about my parents, grandparents, and great-parents, most of which I was unable to answer anyway. Finally, it all came together. Her conclusion was that I needed to say the little curse-binding prayer that she carried around with her, as well as purchase a variety of curse-binding pills from a prominent spiritual warfare website (apparently she or her church has shares in the company). I became so upset that I had to ask her to leave me alone and never bring up the subject again. She told me I could call her when I was ready to accept “the truth.” I was harassed by this particular person. I refuse to work in her department any longer in order to avoid encounters with this woman. If you are going to try to evangelize to someone or share your particular take on a certain theological issue, remember a few important key points:
1) Read the person’s body language and take verbal comments seriously. I made it clear from the beginning that I was not interested in having a conversation about my sad, wicked affliction of generational sin, and she blatantly ignored my request. She also ignored my body language.
2) Do a little reading and research. Do not pick up on the latest contemporary Christian craze by trying to pawn off regular ordinary occurrences on demons, spooks, curses, or generational sin.
3) Know your Bible. If you refer to a verse, know where it’s found. “I know it’s in there somewhere and you do too,” doesn’t cut it.
4) Don’t try to sell me hokey products that support complete foolishness. i.e. curse-binding pills.
5) Do not mention any of the following radio/tv. Evangelists and/or apologists: Bob Larsen, Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, Josh McDowell, James Dobson, Fred Phillips, or Lee Strobel.

I’m still upset while writing about this incident. Bottom line: if you are trying to share something with someone, don’t be too pushy, it really turns people off. If you already knew that, the entire four minutes you took to read this page has been a waste of your time and I apologize.
- Dave McCaferty

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Buddha’s Corner

I believe that the methods by which we increase our altruism, our sense of caring for others and developing the attitude that our own individual concerns are less important than those of others and are common to all major religious traditions. Though we may find differences in philosophical views and rites, the essential message of all religions is very much the same. They all advocate love, compassion. and forgiveness. And even those who do not believe in religion can appreciate the virtues of basic human values.

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Ask Japuti

Dear Japuti,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months and now I have been thinking about having sex with him but I have some moral reservation about the issue so... 1 was thinking that oral sex is all right. What do you think?

Is that all you people think about is sex?! There are people dying of starvation in the world and you want to ask me that. Sex on the Brain! Sex on the Brain! Your North American culture is messed up. And the answer to you question is NO. Now, Bow! Bow! Bow! To the mighty power of Japuti. The one who does not need to be sexually pleasured!

Dear Japuti,
Praise be given to the mighty Japuti, You are all powerful and I bow to you. Now to my question! Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the sexiest of them all? On Campus! Me!
Finally, someone who believes in the mighty power of Japuti! Bring me sacrifices of fruit and veggies. I love to devour. Bow! Bow! Bow! To the All Powerful! One convert: 250+ to go. Japuti mission’s is working.

==============================================

*We at The Realist do not support the anti-Semitic views of Martin Luther. However, we have included this in case you are a student who brags about being a Lutheran at a Baptist college. Before you proudly proclaim yourself a staunch Lutheran, know what Luther stood for...(It is also important to put Luther in proper context and not to judge him by modern standards)

Luther’s Corner
• When we read that Judas hanged himself, that his belly burst in pieces. and that his bowels fell out, we may take this as a sample how it will go with all Christ’s enemies. The Jews ought to have made a mirror of Judas, and have seen therein how they in like manner should be destroyed. An allegory or mystery herein lies hid, for the belly signifies the whole kingdom of the Jews, which shall fall away and be destroyed, so that nothing thereof remains. When we read that the bowels fell out, this shows that the posterity of the Jews, their whole generation, shall be spoiled and go to the ground.
• I would not have preachers torment their hearers, and detain them with long and tedious preaching, for the delight of hearing vanishes therewith, and the preachers hurt themselves.
• Experience has proved the toad to be endowed with valuable qualities. If you run a stick through three toads, and, after having dried them in the sun, apply them to any pestilent tumor, they draw out all the poison and the malady will disappear.

_____________________________________________

Consumerism Christianity by Ha Kohen

The new world is a place where the spiritual is always fluffy. Contemporary society has made God more about self-help than worship. God has lost the title of “Judge” and any other title that might make people uncomfortable. Gone are the days when “fear of the LORD” meant wisdom, and welcomed are the days of entertainment where God is reduced to nothing but “Love.” God has become a kind of cute and lovable god. People have begun to call the all-knowing, all-powerful creator of the universe their ‘buddy”. Halloween has made demons comedic, and “cotton candy Christianity” fills our Christian bookstore shelves as ages of theological thought goes unread, sitting next to the dusty Bibles they were based on.
Instead of the lifetime of meticulously thought out knowledge we find in the works of Calvin’s Commentaries, people are living off whatever latest Mega-Church’s consumer-driven trend could be sold to them, like so much modem snake oil. Ready-made growth in a box is sold at a hefty price to every small town church in the world that’ll swallow the manipulation and breed week theology and “worship services” designed to neglect the members of the Body so that the unbelievers that fill the halls can have a good time pretending to worship the Most High God. They have been told they’re not big enough by the Church/corporations that want to make miniature versions of themselves, and they have taken the bait. God it seems is more like Wal-Mart than you or Moses or T could have ever imagined. Yancey, Ortberg, The Bible Diet, Prayer of Jabez and The Bad Girls of the Bible have replaced Kaiser, Hayes, Childs, Brugerman, and Luther.
Christians won’t buy anything unless it’s shiny or has a number in the title for easy use. It seems we have all the money in the world when it comes to 7 weeks of this and 40 days of that but not 2 bucks for the homeless kid freezing to death on the street tonight. Product lines of everything from “Christian T-Shirts” to greeting cards to pictures of scenery are stamped with a Bible verse like any other corporate logo and the Body of Christ comes running with bills in one hand and a tattoo advertising Willow Creek on the other. We are the lost generation who has traded everything for easy answers and a bracelet with a question on it we can’t answer.

- Ha Kohen

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Ten Albums that have to be in Loft’s Possession at all times:

1) The Joshua Tree — U2
This CD has “Running to Stand Still” and “Mothers of the Disappeared” — need I say more? Oh yeah, I guess “With or Without you” and “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for” were big hits too.

2) At San Quentin — Johnny Cash
Although it was his prior live album, At Folsom Prison, which is generally considered his comeback album, I think At San Quentin is
The Man in Black at his best. A true mix of rock, country and blues. Check out “A Boy Named Sue” and “Big River.” Before Marilyn
Manson there was Johnny Cash. He’s the original badass... he told his record producers and the crowd, “I’m tired of all that skit!”
(see track 4).

3) Paradise and Lunch— Ry Cooder
This is Cooder’s tribute to Southern Gospel. Some of the best blues licks you’ll ever hear are on this album. Some of his theology is quite funny. Oh wait. You don’t find anything fimny. Humour is evil, Maybe you should not listen to this to avoid offense.

4) Cross Roads - Eric Clapton
This four disc box set is a large cross-section of Clapton’s career throughout the seventies. People will be wailing on air guitar solos to “Cocaine” and “Crossroads” for the next two hundred years. Although, I don’t know why he let Duane Ailman play slide overtop the keys in “Layla.” Every time I hear Duane’s guitar in this song my inner ear trembles — in a “vomity” sort of way.

5) Morrison Hotel — The Doors
While I love all their albums, I like this one the best “Road House Blues” and “Peace Frog” are terrific for dancing at wild house parties or just cruising in your car. Morrison’s voice very is raw on this album yet not as forced as in La Woman.

6) Money for Nothing — Dire Straits
Mark Knopfler is one of the guitar gurus of the seventies and eighties. “Sultans of Swing” has one of the greatest solos of all time. “Money for Nothing” is so weird it’s cool: “Get you money for nothing and your chicks for free!”

7) Physical Graffiti - Led Zeppelin
I’d like to say IV is the best album — it has “Stairway” and “Blackdog,” but PH is amazing. Listen to “Trampled Under Foot” in the dark with lots of bass and you might have an epiphany. Also check out “Houses of the Holy.” Try to pick up the album on vinyl. I find my CD doesn’t sound quite as edgy.

8) Underdogs — Matthew Good Band
ft’s tough to decide on a favorite album but Underdogs has “Everything is Automatic,” “Apparitions,” and “Rico.” Though he can get a little preachy in concert, the man is definitely a gifted song writer.

9) Unplugged—Nirvana
Kurt Cobain’s voice combined with an acoustic guitar, singing old blues covers. It’s kind of eerie. “Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam” and “Where did you Sleep Last Night” (A Leadbelly classic) are great

10) Up to Here — The Tragically Hip
I love all their albums, but this was the fist one I ever owned. Gord can’t sing and Sinclair’s backing vocals on this album are particularly horrible; however, there isn’t a hilly-billy in Alberta that hasn’t cranked up “New Orleans is Sinking” or “Blow at High Dough” in his pick-up truck southbound on highway 2.

The Realist Online: Issue 5 - Another Testament

2006-08-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

The Realist Online Issue 5: Another Testament of The Apocrypha.

If you would like The Realist T-shirts just let us know.

It has come to our attention that some people believe that they have been personally identified and/or harassed in past issues. Please realize, any characters, places, or incidents in a given article are either the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. All realist contributors are asked to abstain from personal attacks. We have no desire to actually hurt people. All material containing what we recognize as personal attacks is returned to the authors.

-Bob
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Realist Reader:

It has come to my attention that certain individuals may have been offended by the use of my pseudonym on the front cover of issue three. Unfortunately, due to limited space, I had decided not to include an in-depth explanation of the significance behind the name “Bastard Bob.” Many of you probably assume that I created the name to initiate a shock response to readers; however, I assure you that this is not the case. Obviously, my name is not Bob nor am I a bastard, yet if I explain the origins of the name to you, it will seem less offensive.

In the small town where I was born, my best friend was a young boy named Robert whom I called “Bobby.” Bobby’s mom was the town pariah — the woman at the well so to speak. She became pregnant with Bobby in the tenth grade during a drinking binge at a senior high football party. The town rumors suggest Bobby’s dad was the quarter-back; however, this rumor has never been confirmed and Bobby’s father has never come forward (it is doubtful if Bobby’s mom even knows the identity of Bobby’s father). When her parents found out she was pregnant, Bobby’s mother was kicked out of her home arid forced to live with her grandmother. By month five it was no longer possible to hide her protruding belly, thus both her church and school asked her leave. With the love of her grandmother, Bobby’s mother was able to complete the pregnancy. However, to add complications to an already dire situation, Bobby was born with a deformed left foot and a slight developmental delay, which caused a speech impediment as well as fine-motor skill problems. The town’s whore now had a retarded son.

Despite the rumors surrounding the weird boy who talked fast and walked slow, as well as the small town’s expectations, I befriended Bobby in Junior High. I helped Bobby with his studies — tutoring him in math, science and reading. One day when we were walking home from school, a group of older kids started to throw apples at Bobby from across the street. They were swearing and calling him names like gimp, bastard, and retard. I froze and did nothing to help my friend. I was terrified that I would be beat up along with Bobby. I was also slightly ashamed to be Bobby’s friend. Suddenly, Bobby stopped. He walked across the street, up to the older boys and said in his strange unique voice:
“That’s right, I’m Bastard Bob. I talk funny, I walk like a chicken, and I don’t know who my father is. Why don’t you just drop it?!” I was shocked and still scared. I thought Bobby would be pummeled for sure. But the older boys just walked away. That particular group of kids never bullied Bobby again.

From that day forward, Bobby always introduced himself as “Bastard Bob.” He said that referring to himself in that way took the power of the word “bastard” away from all the people in town. After high school, Bobby stayed in town and worked at the Chevron station, while I went away to college. He became a kind of bully police officer who stood up for all the kids who were picked on. Bobby became the community helper who everyone respected.

Bobby died in a car accident three years ago. Everyone in town attended his funeral, even the boys who used to pick on him. I still call and visit Bobby’s mom. She says that Bobby’s spirit of compassion for the underdog lives on in me. Whenever she hears about me sticking up for someone, she calls me “Bastard Bob.”

-B-Bob

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Letters to The Realist.

The Realist,
Your intentions are admirable. Unfortunately, they are completely unnecessary and in fact, ludicrous and insulting. You want people to grow in Christ? Well, Christ is love and you have represented to me that you are not. Your intentions of love don’t mean that you love, it’s the real you that is represented in your paper, and what is represented in your paper is sarcasm, personal attacks, mockery, and judgment (which you write about.. .if you don’t want people to judge you than don’t judge others...your sarcasm is judgment). I don’t find love in any of these things. (Your article has defined Jude 17-1 9, maybe excluding the last times part, maybe not.. .who knows?) You also advertised (in issue 2) that the next issue will be turned into a rumor column about people doing drugs, having sex, etc. Again, no love there. Everybody sins. . . and you’ve proven to me that God is right in saying that. And another thing I don’t like you using the word Whorescope. Are you called all ________ girls whores. My girlfriend goes here and so does my sister. If you are calling them whore I kick you (ass). Jesus might be able to forgive you but never will. I hate you! PS If you print this I’ll sue you!

- Gregory Edmunds

Thanks for comments Greg; unfortunately, we didn’t have enough room to print your entire two-page attachment. Keep sending stuff in. We love you! B-Bob.
---------------------------

Dear Realist:
I was completely appalled by your use of the f-word in issue four. U2 is a Christian band and they would never use that word. Please do not misquote them again.

- U2 Fan
U2 Fan: Go and buy the album, Pop (1997) and listen to track twelve. FYI — I’ve seen U2 in concert twice and Bono swears constantly. B-Bob.

PS — Only Bono, Edge, and Larry are professed Christians; Adam is an agnostic.

--------------------------

Hey guys, sup!? I respect your efforts here, this paper may be trashy, immature, and offensive, but at least it’s an attempt to free expression. I could say a lot of stuff against your paper, but there seem to be a lot of people doing that. Some more respect in your tone might be nice, but you need encouragement. Good job guys! — Saved

Thanks. If you want to clean up The Realist, send something in and we’ll print it. Ha Kohen

--------------------------

Dear Realist Staff and Contributors:
Thanks for bringing sexual assault issues out in the open for our school. I’m glad that this school is becoming a safe place to talk about our problems. To the writer: Thanks for your courage. God bless. - Friend in Christ

Thanks for reading
--------------------------

Dear Realist:
Your “Conversation with a Muslim” interview was trash. If I wanted to learn about terrorism tactics and anti-Semitism, I’d go to a University in Iraq.
- A Christian from a Christian College

Did you even read the article? Go take your hate somewhere else.

- Cutty Sark.
------------------------------

Dear Bastard Bob;
My computer crashed and I lost Part II of “Conversations with a Muslim.” Sorry! I’ll see if Khan is available to re-answer the unpublished questions and send them in ASAP. Loft.

Thanks Loft.
-------------------------------

*Correction Notice: In Issue 4, page 6 an editorial comment from B-Bob is missing at the bottom of the page. It should read: “Stay tuned for upcoming interviews with a Jew and a homeless person - B-Bob”

_____________________________________________

Staff members at the Realist have decided to compile a list of music that best represents the taste of each individual writer. Enjoy. Check out Hot Chick #2’s list next issue.
B-Bob.

B-Bob’s Top Ten Songs he cannot get out of his Head This Week:
1) “Lust for Life” — Iggy Pop
The godfather of punk knows what he’s talking about. This song has a message and I hear it loud and clear.

2) “If you want Blood, you’ve got it!” — AC/DC
Bon Scott’s vocals on this song are amazing. This song would be great for a Red Cross blood drive!

3) “Tina Toledo’s Street Walking Blues” — Ryan Adams
Wow. If you want to know what it’s like to work the streets, groove along with this tune.

4) “I’ve been Down so Long” — The Doors
Jim Morrison’s soul is crying out: “I’ve been down so goddamn long that it looks like up to me.” An anthem for those who have not filled their “god-shaped vacuums.”

5) “Dancing Queen” — Abba
Abba Rocks! Ace-of-Base does not nearly fill the void...

6) “Me and the Devil Blues”- Robert Johnson.
Don’t listen to this song with the lights off. Haunting. Maybe he actually did sell his soul to the devil, just like the legend says.

7) “1 don’t like the Drugs, but the Drugs Like me” — Marilyn Manson
This guy is a genius. This power-pop gem expresses the struggle of the addict inside all of us.

8) “1 hate myself and I want to die” — Nirvana
Why didn’t they ever put this song on an album? Kurt Cobain was in pain.

9) “More Human than Human” — White Zombie
I wish I lived in L.A. in the late eighties and early nineties. These guys played at the Whiskey all the time.

10) “Wade in the Water” — Eva Cassidy
This woman’s voice is beyond amazing.

_________________________________________

GRANDMA THOMSON’S KRISPYKR (INCH BARS)

Hello, I’m a former student of ________I thought I would contribute a non-controversial recipe to the paper to lighten the mood. Jam not a heretic; Jesus would approve of these tasty treats.

You will need:
- 2 cup peanut butter
2 1/2 cup icing sugar
2 1/2 cup Rice Krispies
4 Tb. butter or margarine
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Press into 9x9” pan that has been lined with wax paper. Cover with icing.
Icing Ingredients:
-2/3 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 Tb. butter or margarine
Melt icing ingredients together over low heat. Spread over bars. Chill. Cut into 36 squares and enjoy!

- Name Withheld by request

=============================================

Love in Action.

“For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten son...” is the most well known verse in the Bible. What is it saying? Love is not a feeling! It is an action! God’s love is in His action by which his son is sent. “For no greater love has a man than laying down his life...” is another verse stating the action of Love. Jesus states that we must “learn” to Love. He disciplined his disciples into his image. He taught them how to love their fellow humans. But what about the feelings that we feel, what is that? It would be better to call them an infatuation; not love. This does impact how we interpret the summing up of the law into the two Golden rules of Christianity “Love God” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” How do we turn these two laws into an action?

The first premise that we need to realize is that God is all-powerful and does not need anything from humanity. If this is true, then how do you suppose that we show God that we love him? We need to go back to the creation story for the answer. We are created to have a relationship with God. We are meant to live in a perfect relationship with him. He is the creator and we are meant to be subject to Him. We lost this relationship, when we took upon ourselves the knowledge of “Good” and “Evil”. We tried to supplant God’s authority. Jesus paid the price for us but we still need to acknowledge it by living out a righteous life.

We were also created just to live. No other reason. This is such a simple answer that it is sometimes overlooked. Just live life to the fullest and we will be showing God that we appreciate what he has done for us. Use our talents to the fullest. Enjoy his creation. Learn, mourn, cry, feel, laugh and just live. This will bring Glory to God and show him that we love him.

God also created us to live in a social contract with one another. We love God by living within the social rules that are developed for us by him. We are meant to build a strong community and family. Be fruitful and multiply is a command from God. He is telling us to build up a society that will bring him Glory. This means that God has created a “Social Contract” that we ought to follow. The Ten Commandments are ethical codes that will build strong, respectful and loving communities. If we love God, we will follow these commandments. They will not save us but they will show that we Love him. I will show you my faith through my actions.

Now we move onto loving our neighbors. How do we love ourselves if love is an action? This is an easy one: we feed ourselves, we clothe ourselves, we shelter ourselves and we look after our own health. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted, to feed the poor and take care of the widows. He gave us a blue print on how to love each other through his own actions. He sacrificed much so that we may live. He always gave first expecting nothing in return. 1 John 3: 17 states “But whoever has this worlds goods and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart towards him, flow does the love of God abide in him? If we ignore the needs of others when we are able to help, we do not love our fellow man. Loving your neighbor is shown not felt.

What if God did not send Jesus? He could have just said he had meaningless fluffy feelings but he did not. He showed it! If God did nothing he would have hated humanity. Hate is the lack of action or a harmful action. But God seems silent now. He does not always stop the evil in the world; does this not show that he does not love us? This is not a valid argument about Gods lack of Love because his apparent lack of action. The sun comes up every day doesn’t it? He also has already paid the ultimate price for us. He died on the cross so that we have the strength and hope to have a proper relationship with him. The rest is up to us to do. God gave us the responsibility to learn to live in a proper community and establish a Utopian society. We have to love our fellow humans. There needs to be more than feelings there needs to be deeds. Learning to love means learning to do the deeds. If we recognize that what we do is for God our hearts will change by being disciplined. Faith Alone may save us but we definitely have to show that we are saved by our Actions because Love is not a feeling it is our actions.

-Nathan Steve Johnson

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An Interview with a Sex Trade Worker

How old are you?
I’m twenty-three years old.
How long have you been involved in the Sex Trade?
I ran away when I was fifteen years old.
Why did you run away from home?
I left because I felt safer on the streets. My father used to let his friends touch me. Eventually he told me I was lazy and needed to pay to live there, so he set me up with guys that would pay him to have sex with me. When he’d drink he’d beat me up, and call me a slut so it seemed safer to leave home. I just couldn’t handle it any more. At least now I control what I allow to happen to me.
Do you use any drugs?
Yes, I’ve done jibb (Crystal Meth), coke (cocaine), Down (Heroin), pot (marijuana), Rock or Crack (cocaine in the form of a Rock, before it’s cut) and plenty of others. I stick to Crack these days, only stupid kids use Jibb it’ll kill you!
Are you currently addicted to drugs?
Yes, you can’t do what I do straight you’ll kill yourself for sure. Mostly I use Crack and sometimes I inject coke but then I gotta use Down to sleep. That sucks though because Down is bad for O.D.ing (over dose).
Do you use protection with your dates?
Yes, probably more often than the average person. Stupid kids will allow a date to go without, but me, forget it, these
guys pick up lots of girls in a night, some of them have been around longer than I have, definitely a risk of Hep. C or
HIV. I don’t want to get it from some asshole that doesn’t wear a rubber.
Do you believe in God?
Yes, without him I wouldn’t still be alive, I pray everyday to keep me safe. It is sometimes the only thing that I have. I remember a prayer that a foster parent taught me once. Jesus is the only one who loves me no matter what I do or how I survive.
Why the prayer from the Foster Parent?
She taught me what love was and she loved me. I did a lot of things that hurt me but she loved me anyway. She used to read the Bible to me. It was just a story at first then I realized how it could help me with the pain and help me to keep going.
What do you think of Christians?
I don’t know many, but there are people at the food lines who I think are Christians. Most of them are nice. They don’t ask too many questions, they let me tell them my story. I know what I am and they know what I am.
Can you please clarify what you mean by that statement?
I am an addict. I use my body to survive. I don’t hide that fact. They know what that means, sucking off stupid men who can’t get it from anyone else. F*cking some b*stard whose wife is tired of him and refuses “kinky” sh*t.
Do you want to quit?
Yes, I know that selling my ass for the Rock is no way to live but it’s too hard to be straight. I have been to treatment lots of times; it’s all good until I leave. When I leave I’m faced with my life, the abuse, the isolation, the neglect and the dirty men that pick me up. It always happens I’ll have two weeks clean I’ll be in a recovery house or something, finally get my first welfare cheque and I try to go somewhere normal and there’s a date of mine, with his perfect little family. He isn’t affected by what he does and his family doesn’t know, but I know. The reality of what I live through everyday and what I have survived is too much to face. That’s when I go back out. F*ck him!
What would you need to change?
I need to change I know that, it’s not about that it’s about having someone who believes in me to give me chance again, like my foster mom did. Honestly, there might not be a day when I wont be out here, but I can tell you what to do: stop hurting your children. Stop ignoring her standing on that corner selling her soul. Most of us out here didn’t get here on our own. I had a pimp say once, “I bring the girls down here, 13 or 14 whatever, no one cares about them and they have nowhere to go. I show them what to do, give them food, a place to stay and a safe place to work. Once they’re a little older it’s up to them. They can stay, lay or pray”. You need to prevent this from happening to
someone else, I didn’t choose this life and nobody grows up wanting to be a whore.

Some stats:
• Average age of entry into the sex trade is 14 and it’s getting younger.
• Most children are leaving situations where they are being brutalized everyday.
• Age of consent is still l4yrs. In Canada, which means once they hit 14 and there is no guardian Involved no one can charge the dates unless they are individuals in power who are picking them up (judges, police officers, teachers). But who did you think the dates were? Money talks!
• 90% of youth involved in the sex trade have experience significant trauma (sexual abuse/physical violence/rape)
• Most sex trade workers continue to work the streets for survival, such as meeting their basic human needs, food, clothing, shelter and love.
• Average survival in the sex trade is 10 years tops.
• Most sex trade workers never exit, they have no education, no supports and often when times are tough resort back to the trade to feed their families.
• Highest percentage of individuals in the sex trade is women and those who do exit it’s usually because they become parents.
• The experiences of sex trade workers can be compared to someone who has witnessed war; post-traumatic stress disorder is extremely prevalent among those who have successfully exited and those who continue to survive it.
A friend of mine, who works with sex trade workers, conducted this interview. I have spent some time working (directly or indirectly) with many people in this trade. Each person has his or her own story and did not choose this lifestyle because it was a first choice. Most are youth who have been abused by predators that prey on the weak. The problem is that many agencies do not have the resources to properly address the real problems. They deal with the drug addiction but it is tougher to gain support to take care of a person for the years of counseling that it would take to heal the deep emotional scars. It takes time, money, and people to properly help those who are in the most need. Many of those who are addicts really believe that there is no hope. Why do we ignore those that really need to be given love?

I worked mostly with youth who were involved in the Sex Trade. Doctors, Lawyers, Ministers, University Professors and the man next door are all those that pay youth to have sex with them. It is a problem that cannot be ignored. I know that we are just University students but there is always something that can be done. We pour millions of dollars into missions programs while there are thousands of people that are in desperate need of our help in our own back yards. (I am not saying that it is wrong to support missions. I believe it is important to spread the Gospel). Stop the Johns. Heal the emotional scars of abused youth. Take in Foster Children. Change the Laws. All of these are difficult to do but must be done in order to better protect the innocent and enact change that brings real healing. There is no easy solution but as long as we ignore it there will be no solution.

---Trent \V. Derrick

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The Theology of Asking Jesus into your heart?

In Matthew 28:20 Jesus says, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” The problem is that people have created an entire language out of this that not only makes us sound foolish but also doesn’t fit into what Christians believe to begin with. To be up front about this, I should tell you, I’m not going to talk about how the heart is just a muscle or how Jesus is forever incarnate in a body and won’t quite fit in there. I’m not going to talk about Jesus at all. That’s the point. Jesus died a sinless man and justified believers by grace through faith. He did his job. “Inviting Jesus into our hearts” is just not biblical. Instead, I thought I might talk about the Holy Spirit.

We as evangelicals have long been guilty of sounding like morons to other Christians. For years we have taught our children and Sunday school class’s bad theology by asking them to raise their hands and say magic words. Never did Jesus say to someone: “Do you want to accept me into your heart?” We should all be a little more grown up by now; we should not continue talking like this... so, take out your Bibles and read a little.
First look at Rom 8:13-16; 23; these verses tell us that it is the Spirit that assures us of salvation. Paul tells us that it is the Spirit that “puts to death the deeds of the body” — that it is the Spirit that “redeems the body.” Next, take a look at Eph. 1:13-14; 4:30. Here we are told that the Spirit seals the salvation of the elect. We are told that though Jesus was the sacrifice by way our salvation can be sealed, that it is the work of the Spirit to do the sealing. This is even more clear from Jesus’ words in John 14:17 where He says, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and Spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.”

The problem with phases like “ask Jesus into your heart” is that Gods words read differently saying, it is “the Spirit that brings life” (John 6:63) and “He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit.” It is that it is the Spirit that lives in us and not Jesus who died and rose again. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 3:16 “the Spirit of God dwells in you”.

* There are a number of references to the “Christ in you” in the Bible including the well known Rom. 3:16; however, it is generally understood that this refers to the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. It must be remembered that “Christ’ Spirit” and “The Spirit of God” are both names for the Holy Spirit. (There are also 17 other names used to in reference to the Holy Spirit. In case you need another example: In 2 Corinthians 1:21-22 it says that it is the Spirit and not the Christ that is “in our hearts”. You should now look at Rom 8:9,11. Here it says that it is “the Spirit that dwells in you”.*

By Ha Kohen

____________________________________________

Better Verses to Bring up in Class
by Ha Kohen

• 1 Sam 28:1-25 Saul goes to see a medium who calls up the ghost of Samuel for a conversation. Clearly it is Samuel and not a vision.
• Judges 11:29-40 Jephthah vows to kill the first thing he sees greet him from his house in order to win over the sons Ammon.
• 2 Kings 3:27 Mesha sacrifices his eldest son.
• 2 Sam. 13:1-39 Absalom has his brother Amnon killed for the rape of their sister, Tamar.
• Lam 4:10 Women boil and eat their own children as God’s anger is avenged.
• Ezekiel 37:1-14 A vision of the valley of Dry Bones where meat and skin reanimate the bodies of the dead.
• Zech 5:1-11 Winged women and flying scrolls curse the land.
• When Christ explains the parables “Gives to those who have, and takes away from those have little.”
• Gen. 3 8:22 Judah slept with her because he believed her to be a Shrine Prostitute. He wants her executed, but he is the father.
• Exodus 1:19-21 Midwives are rewarded by God for a lie
• lKings 22: God instructs an angel to lie for Him.
• 1 Sam. 14: an evil spirit sent by God. David and Saul are good friends but after the David and Goliath story, Saul has no idea who David is.
• 2Kings 24: God will not forgive

-Ha Kohen

The Realist Online Issue 4: A More Serious Reality

2006-08-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

The Realist Online Issue 4:
A More Serious Reality

Sexual Abuse: It Happens!
Rectify this problem. May God’s will be done; innocent children are sexually abused. This is a personal dilemma that I was forced to try to resolve by “no fault of my own.” It has taken me several years of intense counseling to realize that it was not my fault, but sometimes I still struggle with overcoming the notion that I was somehow to blame. Sexual abuse does happen! It is not avoidable! I grew up in a Christian home and the offender was a respectable Christian. The “protective walls” of Christianity do not save one from this tragedy.

I was in grade three when my mother was diagnosed with a bone tumor. It nearly took her life, but my story begins with her spending several years in the hospital fighting for her life. As such, there were plenty of people in the church that were willing to help out with taking care of us children since my mother was away and my father had to work, now as our large family’s sole financial supporter. There were many people who took us in, but not all had righteous intent. One such friend of the family took it upon himself to teach me about the Birds and the Bee’s much before my time. I can still remember the smell and taste of such a violation. The taunts of being told not to tell anyone or I would lose the love of my family. Quite a threat for to a child that already missed his mother. As my mother recalled to me later, “You changed when I returned from the hospital.” My mother told me the summer before her death. ---It was the only time that we ever sat down and discussed her illness. --- She said she noticed the difference in my attitude upon her return, but did not know why. I never told her why. This attitude change was permanent and would shape the course of the rest of my childhood and into my youth.

As a teenager, I was quite the rebel. I never believed that I fit in, or really believed that I was capable of being loved. I was different! But I really did not understand why. I loved the booze and the second that I was able to have sex, “I was in like Flynn.” I was filled with rage and would fight anyone at the drop of a hat. I would never let anyone get close enough to truly love me, including my family members. I thought if they knew, there was no way anyone would be able to except me. I carried a chip on my shoulder while harboring a lot of suicidal tendencies. Sex consumed me. I loved it, but I could not love another person. I hated myself and saw myself as dirty. It was my attempt to control what I thought was love.

Eventually, I headed off to school. The Grace of God introduced me to the school counselor at a Bible College in Vancouver. I first went to him to discuss my anger issues because I knew that it was becoming a problem of major concern. This opened up what would be the hardest three years of my life. It did not take away my low self-esteem right away but rather it seemed to intensify as I learned to acknowledge what had happened. As I discovered that there were many others like me, it became extremely comforting to know that others felt the same way about themselves as I did. Still, it took quite some time to actually realize that the abuse I suffered was not my fault. I was advised to keep a journal and record all of my feelings. As I look back, I am amazed at my own feelings. The depression, anger and pain of my thoughts while I was in the healing process still seem quite startling to me. As I look back, words like “loser”, “torment”, “shame” and “hate” filled the pages of my journal; I am still affected beyond comprehension. As I looked back earlier this week this excerpt from my one of my journals really stood out to me:
Lost In Myself I feel that I cannot breathe As I am forced to retreat into lost innocence The world has no meaning Just feelings of painful memories Given a chance to escape A Prison of the condemned To gain freedom from My unjust sentence of condemnation.
I was angry with God, my family and my friends and could not understand why such things are allowed to happen to people. Healing is not easy, as surgery is sometimes required to remove what is harmful. Unfortunately, I could not be put under as the emotional cancer was removed. The surgery needed to be done... while I was conscious. One does not get off easy when healing emotional wounds.
It has been seven years since I actively started the healing process and I still have some self-esteem issues. But I am well on my way on the road to recovery. I decided to write this hoping that it will help someone out there who may be suffering alone. Whether you have been raped, abused as a child, or been sexually harassed, you cannot let it hold you back from being able to love or accept love from others. There are many great resources here on Campus. Seek the help of our Psychology Teachers, __________(Campus Pastor) or Student Life. They will be able to help or direct you to those that can. It will be a long road but it will be well worth it when you are finally able to see yourself as truly loveable and realize that it was/is not your fault. This is one of the final steps in my healing process. I am finally able to publicly about this for the first time.
Trying to rectify the question that I introduced in the opening, I realized it is a moot point. Some things we will never be able to answer this side of heaven. There is one answer to this that I believe is important to us all: We are all in this together. Counseling comes in more forms than just professional help. Many people have been there for me throughout this journey and have loved me even when I refused to accept their love. They encouraged me to keep going when I felt that I had no more strength to carry on. It is important to always remember to comfort those who seem to be hurting. Sometimes, it is the smallest things that make the biggest impact on people. It is important to never judge; you never know the story behind the mask of the one who is hurting. To those who are hurting. I have one last thing to say: There is HOPE!

- Anonymous
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Information to Help People Talk about Abortion:

Editorial note: In the summer of 1999, my girlfriend was the victim of sexual assault. Though it is rare, she became pregnant. Understandably, many problems developed. Later that year she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Jennifer Gwyneth Rose. A few months later, my girlfriend developed severe mental illness. In the year 2001 she was institutionalized after attempting to defend herself against the attack of an apparition. She stabbed her father. He lived.

Pro-Life Issues: The Christian church has historically always been on the pro-life side in one way or another. This does not mean all Christians are Pro-Choice and this does not mean that simply because others of us have believed something that we also have to. Historically, almost every major theologian until the 1500’s made a statement against both infanticide and abortion, including the “Didache” also knows as “The Teachings of the twelve Apostles”. One major exception is the great St. Augustine. (He followed the vegetable soul theory.)
Pro- Choice:
Original thoughts on abortion: (I don’t say this to be funny or to mock this opinion but this is something that I believe is important to know!)
Aristotle (384 BCE) thought that an unborn child was too undeveloped to have a human soul. He claimed that it began with a “Vegetable soul” (referred to earlier) and then moved up to “animal soul” at about 25 weeks and finally became a “human soul” at around 40weeks if the child was male and around 90 for female children. Most pro- choice arguments for human life are affected by, Aristotle’s “vegetable soul” or “delayed ensoulment” beliefs. The U.S. Supreme Court still uses this 1st trimester rule to determine the value of life.

Important questions to discuss:
When is a person a person? Do you have to look like a person? What about deformed or handicapped people? Do you have to be a certain age before you are a person? Does self- sufficiency make a person human? Do you have to be able to breath to be alive? Doesn’t a baby breathe in the womb? Do you have to be able to breath on your own without assistance? What about people with respiratory disorders? If the baby is at a point where it can control its movements, then does it become human? If so, what about people with Parkinson’s? What does this, say about our view of the mentally handicapped — are they somehow worth less, or not human? Do you have to be born: does simply feeling air against your skin make you alive? What about in cases of incest or rape? What if the mother’s life is at risk? What if the person at risk was you, or your wife, or your mother? What if the abortion is of a deformed or handicapped child? What if it is XXY? What if there are twins and there are complications and one must be sacrificed or both will pass? What if the baby will only live for a few hours in pain? What if both the mother and child will die? What if it is a fallopian pregnancy where there is a 0% survival rate for both the fetus and the mother?

The Truth:
Clearly, the Bible does not take a concrete position on this topic. Not one verse applies to the modern concept of abortion, and not one verse speaks to the time when a soul is given or an unborn child becomes a human. This tells us that contrary to what some people would like to believe, the Bible is not an exact word for word guide book on what to do in every entrance. Though it is timeless and speaks to all people, we are not given all the answers directly. We are expected to listen to His words, think on them, pray about them, and make up our own minds.

My view
The Church must love and maintain fellowship with both pro-life and pro-choice peoples. Not the Church but individual believers must come to their own conclusions in the area of problem pregnancies because we lack the wisdom and authority to decide on every issue and circumstance.
The Church must accept — without restraint — the abortions of problem pregnancies as moral, thoughtful decisions.
Convenience and embarrassment are not excuses or reasons to terminate a pregnancy.
If an abortion is to be performed, earlier is preferred to later.
Abortion should not be a criminal offence.
We should reject both violence and abuse of any kind aimed at pro-choice or pro-life supporters.
Life is a gift to be respected and an abortion should always be a last resort.
No sin is unpardonable. If it is true that an abortion is murder, all are still to be loved and cared for as Christ loves and cares for them. There is no excuse for the harassment of our brothers and sisters in Christ.
We as Christians have spent too much precious time and energy discussing these sensitive issues. If we as a community of faith were to put half of that energy into caring for expectant mothers, and providing better alternatives, abortions would become almost unheard of, and the debates made no longer necessary.

— Ha Kohen

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Masturbation: What Problem?
Since there was a joke in the third issue of The Realist about Masturbation, I have decided to write a serious article on the topic. I have spent many days in prayer and study trying to figure out what the Bible says on such an issue. It is mysteriously silent on self-gratification. It is impossible to write a “Christian” doctrine by what the Bible does not say. It does not address this issue specifically, so what is the Problem? Well let’s take a look and see.

The major argument against the practice of Masturbation is “Lust.” I had a minister tell me once, “If you can do it without lusting after someone, then I do not have a problem with it.” This seems like the standard argument against the practice itself, but what is lust? Lust is an uncontrolled, unbridled desire. You dwell on the issue and it consumes you. If this is true, then thinking about a girl/guy when you masturbate is not necessarily wrong. From experience, I never dwelled on the girl obsessively. It was just an image to help me get the job done. Have you ever heard the term I am going to put her in my “Spank Bank”? After I am done, I will never think of her again. Lust may not be a problem but being an obsessive weirdo is. You may have a problem and need to seek help. Masturbation may become the problem though, if you lust after it.

Another argument used against masturbation is that “sex” is meant for two people; therefore, masturbation is wrong. Still, is masturbation really sex? I would argue just as the Webster’s Dictionary does, that sex is meant for two people. That is why masturbation has its own meaning “caressing the genitals.”

Self-gratification is selfish isn’t it? True, but only if it becomes obsessive. Once something becomes obsessive than there is a problem. Eating is a form of self-gratification but it only becomes a problem when people eat too much or too little. I know what the next argument is going to be. But, we have to eat; it is not the same thing? Let me look into that for a moment.

We need to be touched. We like to laugh and be tickled. Some studies suggest that the sense of touch is so important to infants that some babies die if they are not touched. Others have suggested that babies masturbate as well, even in the womb. Freaky if you think about it. Masturbation seems to be as natural as eating.

The real problem is the guilt that is associated with it. It has been drilled into since we were small that “sex” is wrong. Well, Masturbation is not Sex. Don’t feel guilty about it, even if you do it once a day. We eat three times a day don’t we! The only problem that I have found with masturbation is if it becomes an obsession — then it is a problem. If a person had an eating disorder wouldn’t they seek help? If you have a problem, talk to a Teacher, _____________ or someone in the Student Life Department. If you do not have
a problem, go without guilt and enjoy yourself today.

Signed: Cutty “The five-knuckled shuffle” Sark
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Editor’s note:
“What do you want me to do? Wack a guy? Off a guy? Wack off a guy? Cuz, I’m Married...”
(Griffin, Peter. From “There’s Something about Paulie” — The Family Guy)
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Conversation with a Muslim (Part I)
Khan and I see each other almost everyday. He is honest and caring. He spends his days working with children — kid’s society has labeled as outcasts, delinquents and troublemakers. Khan is a good man. I consider him to be a valuable friend. We have different beliefs about god, the universe, and laws people should live by, yet we are still able to continue our friendship. Though Khan does not agree with certain aspects of The Realist, he has agreed to participate in an interview for the benefit of the students at Taylor — with the understanding that his interview will contain no slander, swearing, or spiteful comments. Khan wishes that all students take the time to listen to what he has to say. lie feels that Christians can benefit from learning how many Muslims perceive Christianity and why Muslims have certain beliefs about the world. He believes that peace will only occur in the world when people of different faiths communicate. Life also believes that freedom of speech is essential for true communication to occur.

*Please note: Khan has asked that his real name not be used.
*He was given the questions in advance in order to gather his thoughts and provide honest responses.

How long have you been a Muslim?
All my life! I was born a Sunni Muslim. Sunni basically means “orthodox.” The term emerged in the 10th century as a reaction against Mutazilah, a Muslim sect who believed that human reason was capable of discerning good from evil, as opposed to divine revelation. Basically, Sunni Muslims are the traditional majority who follow the example of the prophet Muhammad. They believe that they live the way Allah intends.

What does being a Sunni Muslim entail?
Well, I follow the five pillars of Islam. The first is the shahadah or profession of faith, “There is no god but Allah; Muhammed is his prophet.” In Islam, we believe that God has given people many great prophets, like Abraham, Moses and Jesus; however, Muhammad is the last and greatest prophet of Allah. The second pillar is prayer; Sunni Muslims pray five times per day. The third pillar is zakat, or charity for the poor. The fourth pillar is fasting during the month of Ramadan. Finally, the fifth pillar is the hajj or the pilgrimage to Mecca, which occurs once in a Muslim’s life. Obviously, being a Muslim affects my everyday life. There are certain laws that I have to follow. I have to eat halal meat, which means meat that has been slaughtered in the proper way according to the Koran.

What does being a Sunni Muslim mean to you?
It means that there is one God; one who gives justice to people: someone to care for the poor and punish the wicked. Because I
believe Muhammad is Allah’s last prophet, it means to me that the end of the world will come soon. Allah is the righteous judge. He will reward the righteous and punish the unjust.

Do you know any Christians?
Yes, a few.

What has been your experience with Christians?
Unfortunately, my experiences have been quite negative. The Christians I have met are very quick to preach to me about Jesus, love, and hell, but they are also the people I see who are judging and condemning others. It’s a very “holier than thou art” attitude. It seems as though Christians are more interested in converting me than getting to know me as a person. The Christians I know and have spoken to seem to have a lot of double standards. It has been my experience that Christians also like to blame normal circumstances and events on devils and demons. A woman tried to explain something about spiritual warfare to me. She said that demons could make you forget things, say things, move things around etc. I don’t really understand this kind of thing nor do I believe in things like this.

Do you believe in the Trinity: God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit?
No, the trinity is polytheism — for us there is only Allah. Muhammad is God’s prophet, but he is not divine. We also do not believe Jesus was divine. He was just prophet, a holy man. God cannot be man. God is God and man is man.

What are some other differences between Islam and Christianity?
Although Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all Abrahamic religions, there are still some differences. I think we have a different view of hell. This view differs between different Muslims groups; however, I believe that if you live a pure righteous life and try to do good in the world, you will go to heaven, regardless of if you are a Muslim or not. Basically, we live by the laws of the Ten Commandments. God has shown us what is right and what is wrong. People who live sinful lives go to hell —people that murder, rape, commit suicide and abuse children etc. Some people go to hell for a certain amount of time and then Allah may choose or may not let them enter paradise.

Another major difference between Islam and Christianity is that we have one Holy book with one author. Christianity has the Holy Bible, yet it is comprised of sixty-six books, with many different authors, which underwent many redactions. The Catholic Bible has even more books that the Protestants do not acknowledge as authentic. With Islam, we were given our Holy Koran straight from God via the angel Gabriel to Muhammad. It contains no mistakes or contradictions. The Biblical authors contradict one another.

When I say the word “Christianity” what are some of the things you as a Muslim think about?
Unfortunately, one of the first things I think of is the Crusades. Islamic people remember the horrible things that were done to them in the holy land in the name of religion. Many other religious wars come to wind — Chechnya, the Palestinian Crisis, Israel’s war with Egypt etc.

I also usually think of a story my family told me when I was young. Many decades ago, when my family lived in Africa, there was a famine in our country and many people were dying. A Christian organization (which I will not name, though it is one of the major sponsor child missionary organizations in the world) came to my village. They offered my mother and her family food, safe drinking water, and clothing. However, before my family could receive these things, our children had to attend their Christian school and had to take their Bibles and go to their church. The missionaries were more concerned about my mother’s soul than her basic human needs. My mother was forced to choose between her faith and starvation. Thankfully, it is my understanding that this type of evangelism does not still happen today.

I think of a time four hundred years ago when the Portuguese and Americans used Christianity as justification for the enslavement of the black people in Africa. Many hurt feelings still exist in my culture because of this horrible atrocity.

I think of the Roman Catholic Church and all the thousands of cases of abuse that occur in churches, orphanages and residential schools.

Finally, I think of the demonization of the Islamic religion. I think there is a prevalent belief in Christian circles that the majority of Muslims are terrorist extremists who want to kill the infidel. Although, it may be more accurate idea to say that non-Muslim people in North America demonize Muslims, rather than just Christians. I think the American media has a lot to do with that; the television networks are very pro-American. After 9-11 there has been a great divide in the world — there are now those who are for American Imperialism and those who are not. Much of the Arab/Muslim world sees the US occupation of Iraq as profit motivated. You need to understand that many problems between Muslims/Arabs and the western world date back to the creation of the state of Israel in 1948.

Is it true that anti-Semitism is prevalent in Islamic culture?
For many Muslims, yes, the Jews are viewed as bad people. Many say the Jews are like Judas who gave up Jesus for silver. However, not all Muslims are anti-Semitic. Although again, you need to know your history to understand why so many Arab Muslims have so much hatred for the Jewish people. And please understand, I am only explaining the views of some people, not myself. I am not anti-Semitic.

Understood. Please continue.
The state of Israel was created in 1948 in the area when Palestinians had been living for a thousand years. Palestine was big enough for everyone to share; however, the Israeli military, with US approval, invaded parts of Syria and Jordan to expand their territory. Thousands of Palestinians, whose families had lived in the area for generations were thrown out of their homes and expected to live somewhere else. They were told, “This land now belongs to the Jews.” Thousands of Palestinians were displaced. One Diaspora was simply traded for another. Obviously, Muslims all over the world side with the Palestinians. However, I could talk about this for days and it would solve nothing. It is a very touchy subject for Muslims and Jews. My wish is that someday the Jews and Muslims in Palestine will learn to live in peace.

* This, interview has been separated into two parts for publication purposes
Written by Loft Gluckstein

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Profanity in context

Of late there have been numerous conversations on the topic of profanity between my fellow cohorts and I. Presumably one might think that the vast majority of Christians could come to some basic understandings on the nature of the impious tongues. Seemingly however, this is not the case.

In many ways, the Bible is unclear on this issue. It provides no list of “naughty words” the likes of which we are to consider forbidden. Instead we are left with only brief descriptions of tone and emphasis. What’s more, this is further blurred by our lack of understanding of the original text, as it is a temporal and cultural piece of literature. For instance, although we are told not to katara, “utter malediction or curses I pronounce divine judgment” on someone who might know what exact words would have been considered “malediction” at the time? (Gal. 3:10) Moreover, who might use Koine Greek to hurl these insults? Thus we must resign ourselves to the truth — that we have no such list and any register we may have created for ourselves is based not on Biblical example but on personal conjectures.

To be sure words only have meaning, as they are applied to a context and only, as they have come from the speaker. 2This can easily be seen in Jesus’ use of the word raca. Though few knowledgeable people would debate the severity of such a word, it only held
H meaning as He the speaker intended it. For instance, if the original hearer and recipient of Christ’ insult had interpreted raca as if Jesus were taking the name of YHWH in vain (clearly there is no connection) it would not be true simply because of its perceived nature. Christ can not then be called a sinner simply because people bring there own interpretations into account. Instead the word raca only meant exactly what Christ intended it to mean and nothing more.

Taken further, one might find that words are merely symbols that stand in for expressions of emotion. When we stub our toe or accidentally cut ourselves we might attempt to cover our emotions by the pronouncement of nonsensical words or phrases such as “Ahh! or even “chocolate sugar jets” as a person I once knew often did. Yet these fillers only hold meaning as we intended them to be from our emotions. In yelling “ahh!” we have not succeeded in fooling a perfect and all-knowing God, because our language is only representative and symbolic of something else.

What then can we make of this? Are there no boundaries on language? If words are mere symbols, can we simply use whatever words we wish to at any time or in any way? To this I would suggest a simple answer: No. Though we may not have a specific list of modem English words that God wishes us to avoid, we do have some knowledge of what
is forbidden. First, though few people would swear false testimony to YHWH, we can of course deduce that swearing anything falsely with God in mind is sinful. (Ex. 20:7) Second, we are not allowed to make accusations on the eternal destiny of other human beings. (Gal. 3:13) Thirdly, though Jesus Himself spoke of both Damning and Hell there is a proper context for these words that should be adhered to. (Mt. 23:15; Mk. 16:16) Finally, as we can see from the context of James, there is much importance given to the evasion of hateful language.

In short, we as Christians have not been given all the answers. What one person finds to be an obscenity may not be held as such by others. Though many pious people might claim that all should uphold their particular list of words, these assertions are baseless and devoid of any biblical truth. At the same time, nothing we say can be said with malicious intent. In truth, “swearing” can be anything verbal meant in violence whether it be vulgarity or simply a pithy wisp of air intended to affront your fellow man.

*‘Although we might suggest that “Damn You!” or similar verbal attacks could be considered profane as they imply karara, this is little more than speculative.
2 Context can have an amazing affect on meaning. Take for example the many ways that the words “shut up” can be used. Two in particular are 1) “Shut Up!” used to hurt someone. 2) “Shut up” used to mean “no way”. It is also important to note that these symbols are in a constant state of shift as new words are added to our vocabulary, old ones are dropped and maintained words adapt and change meaning.

By Ha Kohen

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We here at The Realist believe that we need to touch upon some issues that will make us think and become more compassionate Christians. Sexual Abuse, Abortion, Masturbation, Profanity and Comparable Religions will challenge all of our Faith as we engage the World. It is best that we are able to discuss these issues while we are in this safe haven called “Taylor.” We are at a University College and need to be able to have open discussions on these issues without having accusations of heresy. The truth is: Life is not always easy and fun. As we get older, we will all face a dark lonely day in our Christian walk. Bono stated it like this:

Jesus.
Jesus help me.
I’m alone in this world.
And a flicked up world it is too.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity
And the way it’s all gonna be.
WAKE UP
WAKE UP DEAD MAN
U2 - “Wake up Dead Man” (from Pop)

The longer you live, the more you will see that life and theology do not fit into a nice easy box. It is alright to feel hurt, anger and pain. If we ignore our feelings, we will become calloused and useless Christians making us impotent to reach those who are hurting and in most of the Gospel. I pray that we are all able to learn to Love and accept each other for who we are. We are all Fallen Beings that are on the same journey towards redemption. It is just that some of us are at different points.

Bastard Bob

The Realist Online Issue 3

2006-08-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

The REALIST ISSUE 3:

Wear your Fiath Where it Counts

http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist.35846449

Hello Everyone. Due to uncouth practices and blatant accusation from students and staff, our dear editor, the Psuedipigrapher of Crete has resigned. Please help us welcome our new editor, Bastard Bob. (Insert applause here)

Alright! Let’s get something straight. This is Bastard Bob’s turf now. I will not tolerate your foolish shenanigans. People who write articles for this publication are not responsible for the entire paper; therefore, they should not be bullied or badgered. Stop your freaking witch hunt and let’s all get along.

-Bastard Bob

PS – If you are going to threaten my staff with God’s wrath, you can meet me a the bike rakes at recess.

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Bible Passages I Never Learned in Sunday School

Genesis 9:20-25

Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, why did Ham want to see his daddy’s wiener?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: (The Sunday School Teacher) because he was an evil, wicked boy Tommy. All little boys are evil!

Genesis 19:5-8
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, how come Mr. Lot wanted to give up his daughters to the angry mob?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Don’t ask stupid questions Tommy!

Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, what does sodomy mean? I think some truckers were writing about this Bible story in the bathroom at the gas station.
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Be quite Tommy!

Genesis 19:31
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, how come Mr. Lot’s daughters didn’t want to do it with the mob, but they were okay doing it with their daddy? Were their children slow?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Shut up Tommy!
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, is your son’s daddy your daddy too?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: The devil has a room reversed in hell just for you Tommy.

Genesis 22:2
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, baby Jesus told my daddy to kill my brother Jeffrey. The police topped him and now he’s in jail. How come the police won’t let my daddy do the things baby Jesus tells him to do?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: God always has a plan, Tommy. There is a reason for everything.
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, you’re full of crap.

Genesis 24:2
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, my mommy said I’m not supposed to let people put their hands under my thigh. How come it was okay for the servant guy to do it to Mr. Abraham?
Mrs. Grinderschmit: You’re a dirty little boy Tommy. All little boys are dirty… touching themselves under their tights. God will smite you soon enough.

Ex. 4:24
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, what’s foreskin?

Psalm 137:9
Little Tommy: I thought that Baby Jesus was a nice God.
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Those Iraqis babies are going to burn in hell Tommy. Bush has Jesus Power!

Matthew 10:34-35
Little Tommy: Mrs. Grinderschmit, how come Jesus has a sword? I thought baby Jesus loved everybody.
Mrs. Grinderschmit: Foolish Child! Jesus hates everybody who doesn’t judge the masses.

- Written by Little Tommy Lebowski
- Dedicated to my bother Jeffrey

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Letter to the Realist

Here at the Realist, we’ve received a variety of letter, ranging in everything from praise to hate mail and eve legal threats. Unfortunately, we do not have enough room to print every entry nor do we feel that every entry is worthy of our great paper. Some of you’re bitching in just ridiculous. How the hell old are you anyway? Look up satire, sarcasm and irony in the dictionary. Here’s a sample of what we have receive so far.

Dear Realist editor and participants:
I just thought you should know that you are not Christians and you may be endangering your salvation for what you are doing Even though you say on the front of your paper that we shouldn’t take you seriously, I don’t think Jesus would appreciate you putting a big picture on the front page of Him giving a wink and a thumbs up. I speak to Jesus in tongues all the time and I know he doesn’t appreciate you mocking him. And as for your Buddha’s corner and Jupputi sections – you are worshiping false idols, which breaks a ten commandment. And for another thing: God commands us not to use magic. Including that re-Babylonian exilic magic crap in the paper is total garbage. You guys should really take a look at what you are doing. In case you care, I had the guts to ask my pastor all of those questions on page 7 of issue 2. People are not born gay, and they should be re-baptized. The truth will always prevail.

-A very concerned soldier for Jesus

The Realist: Thanks for the feedback on the Ask Your Pastor Questions. Keep those results coming in.

Dear Realist:
I like what you are doing gentlemen and ladies. I think it’s great that you are shaking things up a little. Some of the students here need to lighten up a bit. Not everybody has the exact same beliefs and that’s okay. I think there are many different roads that lead to salvation and not everybody has to be saved in the same way. Keep up the great work. (Please delete my name if you are going to post this. I don’t want to be ostracized).

*she was afraid to sign her name*

Thanks for the kind words.

Dear editor:
From what I hear, people are getting pretty upset about this alternate paper. I think for your own safety you should just quit while you are ahead. You made your point. I wish you could still keep writing (personally, I like your paper better than the official campus one). However, it seems like some people can’t handle it. I hate to think what you will go through if they find out who you are. No one will ever talk to you again and you will be labeled a heretic for just trying to speak your mind. Sorry dud, I guess that’s just Christian love. Anyway, good luck. Please don’t print my made. I don’t want to get kecked out of school for sounding like I’m on your side.

-anonymous

Don’t worry ATSHN, we’re going to continue to stand up to the man. Thanks for the support.

Dear Editor Guy”
Your articles have lots of mistake and grammar problems. Maybe since we’re at a university college you should learn how to edit your work.

No name was given but his e-mail address is” pokerguy_218@hotmail.com
Please make fun of his mistake can you spot it?

Hey guys,

Nice try but your paper is no where near as great as the Manifesto was when I had the underground paper back in 2001-02. Better luck next year. Say hi to Martin for me.

Thanks Dylan. Although I've never met you, I've heard a lot about you and your work. Cheers.

Realist:

You guys suck.

Nice. Thanks. Say a prayer for me at mass tomorrow. Jesus will forgive your hatred.

___________________________________________

Life after Bible College

Apparently students from _____ are carrying on the underground newspaper tradition. People seem pretty pissed about it. I think this paper is a good thing. This paper is giving people an outlet to express ideas they have been feeling; however, as a result of the close-minded atmosphere of this institution, those people do not feel safe to express themselves. It has been quite a few years since I’ve been a student at ______, but every time I visit I see the same kind of people at the school. Some people fit in, some don’t. I find myself wondering what these young men and women will be life after their _____ experiences. I never really fit into any of the cliques and by my final year I carried a big chip on my shoulders for the school staff, the students, Baptist and Christianity in general.

When I first came to _____, I was your average high school Christa fundamentalist. I went to sappy worship services meant to get you on the Jesus Train and carried my beat up copy of the Evidence that Demands a Verdict for bus-ride evangelism. I was convinced that if everyone read Mere Christianity, the whole world would enter the one true faith. After the first month of school I wasn’t sure what I believe anymore. I went to the library and stared reading, which was a big mistake. The more I read, the more confused I became. I stated asking questions in class – questions about the Bible, God and issues that were slowly undermining my blind faith. Instead of partaking in civil discussions, students (who will remain nameless) stood up and denounced me as a heretic, threatened to complain to professors, and told me that would be judged for attempting to crush the faith of other students. I quickly learned that the best way to succeed in social circles and in the classroom was it vive staff and students what they wanted to hear. I stuck it out at the school for a few more years, hiding the fact that I no longer believed in all that crap I had swallowed for most of my life.

After I finally graduated and received my piece of paper in the mail, I was ready to experience the real world. I wanted a change of pace – too many years at a conservative Christian school made me want to rebel. I stopped going to church because it just seemed like Christianity was a buck of people trying to convince themselves that they were happy. Then I decided to try all the things I was never permitted to touch while under the yoke of the dreaded ______ covenant. I went down the list, breaking all the rules. I drank every night for almost a year. I tried drugs when that got boring. I tried sex and gambling and finally, I committed the worst sin of all for a young Baptist male… I danced!

Years after ______ I still don’t know what I believe about Christianity or Christian. Two people still cannot have a conversation in a _______ hallway about touch theological topics without upsetting others. The Realist is a good thin. If you don’t like the paper, don’t read it. Quite bitching about the paper and grow up. If I had had the Realist when I went to this school I might have had the opportunity to get a few things off my chest. I might still have a little faith left today.

-Loft Gluckstein

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The Epistemological Dinner Conversation

I recently attended a family dinner in Red Deer, Alberta. My wife’s grandmother cooked a wonderful meal, and I was happy to se my wife’s family all together for the first time in almost six months. After dessert, we all gathered in the living room to partake in coffee and pleasant conversation. After the usual questions concerning job prospects any my two delinquent brother, my mother-in-law asked my why I looked so pale. I replied that I hadn’t slept well the last couple of nights. She asked my why. I paused. I was reluctant to tell the truth yet decided against conjuring up a lengthy lie. I confessed that the inevitability of death had been on my mind lately and that I was concerned with uncertainly surrounding it. She asked me to clarify what I meant by “uncertainly”. I said, “Not knowing what happens to us when we die”. She appeared to be taken aback. Her face reddened and she replied, “Well, I know what’s going to happen to me when I die.” I said, “No, you don’t… You don’t know for certain – you believe”. There is a difference between “knowing” and “believing”. She asserted, “No, I know that I will go to heaven. I just know”.

While at work a few weeks ago, I complained about my arthritis. My coworker stated that this was the result of generational sin. God told her about my affliction and she knew just what to do. In order to cure me a special prayer had to be said. I asked her how she knew what God wanted. She said that she hears God speak. I told her a couple of Advil would probably take the pain away and that I wasn’t interested in witchcraft.

Last night my friend told me he recently rekindled a relationship with an ex-girlfriend. When I asked him why he had decided to get back together with her. He replied, “We knew that it was what Jesus wanted us to do”. I asked him how he knew. My friend casually remarked, “it’s just a feeling you get. You just know that it’s what God wants.”

Whenever I interact with conservative Christians, I am continually surprised to discover how often they “know” the truth about a given matter or “know” what God wants them to do. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when a Christians knows something based on a feeling in his/her stomach or because she receives and audible message from God. may I just don’t understand what these people are talking about because I’ve never had butterflies in my stomach, but the idea of claiming to know something for certain just seems dangerous.

-Dave McClaferty

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Top Thirteen Movie Scenes You don’t want to see while your Mom is in the Room

1) Requiem for a dream – Jennifer Connelly and the other prostitute complete the so-called “ass to ass” scene. This is the nastiest thirty seconds of film I have ever seen in my life. If you’re squeamish, you should consider never watching the last five minutes of this one. You have been warned.
2) Full Metal Jacket – The first five minutes… Lee Ermey’s character asserts the common courtesy of the “reach-around”. Kubrick will make you laugh nervously with his dirt.
3) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back – The scene where Jason Mews gets Princess Leiha’s pubic hair stuck in his teeth. Kevin Smith crosses over the line again.
4) Pulp Fiction – The sodomy scene. I don’t know how Ving Rhames agreed when he read that part of the script. How many takes were necessary to this scene perfect?
5) Reservoir Dogs – When Quentin Tarantino’s character explains the lyrics to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”. My skin crawls every time I watch this part.
6) Showgirls – Pretty much the entire film. We’ll never watch Saved by the Bell in the same way again. Showgirls isn’t worth more than a couple of laughs. The amount of topless nudity in this movie is beyond ridiculous.
7) Slackers – The penis puppet scene. I have never seen a man do ventriloquism with a penis before. Although it’s funny, your mom may not laugh. She may have a talk with you about little boys going blind.
8) Fight Club – The “I just wanted to destroy something beautiful” scene where Edward Norton’s character snaps on the pretty boy. I’ve thrown up on two separate occasions (thought I vomit easily). Also the “I haven’t been F*#Ked that hard since grade school” and “I want to have your abortion” scenes are also to be avoided.
9) Eyes Wide Shut – The creepy circle of naked women surrounded by all the masked men. When I see this scene, a shiver runs up my spine (in a bad way).
10) Bad Santa – The scene with Billy-Bob and the lady in the Big and Tall sore. Yuck. I laughed but also felt guilty for laughing.
11) American History X – The “that was real nice” shower incident. Edward Norton’s tough character is broken in this brutal gang-rape scene. If you don’t cry during this on, you are heartless.
12) Storytelling – The professor/student sex scene in the first vignette. The R-rated version of this movie puts a big red square around the couple while they bump nasties. The un-rated version shows all. My jaw dropped. My mom screamed>
13) Kids – The last five minutes where Casper the friendly ghost get friendly without the stoned girl’s permission. “Shhhh…. It’s just Caper…” Every parent should make his or her teenager see this film as a warning against drugs, sex and general drunkenness. AID’s kills.

-by Loft G.

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Whorescopes

Aries - Pressures On: Get that ring now!

Taurus - You will never get a second date if she sees this car.

Gemini - Don't eat after mid-night.

Cancer - The modern day black plauge.

Leo - A bad lion named simba that rebelled, causeing his Father to die.

Virgo - Get a good lawyer, we told you staking would not help.

Libra - It is a touchable place if it is your own.

Scorpio - Now that you are out. It will be wasier to explore your options.

Sagittarious - If you are worred about fading looks try the bar scene. It is amazing how alcohol lowers ones standards.

Capticorn - If you have the flu when eating it, it comes out creamy.

Aquarious - Dude! He ate by baby nephew! He is getting out of control.

Pisces - There is more to like than trying to read your future. You are a sad person and we are taking advantage of that.

-by Cutty Sark

_______________________________________________

The Catholic Corner

The Pope is infallible. Mary is the blessed. Burying a statue of a saint in your back yard will help you sell your house. We love to crusade. Luther is the world’s number one heretic. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch. Holy water works on vampires and sin. Bow to the Pope not Japuti – heathens! We don’t wear dresses (just the priests). Alter boys are experimental people. All Protestants are going to go to hell, along with all the un-baptized babies.

By Sister Mary Margaret O’Brien

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Better Questions to ask your Teachers or Prechers

Rectify this… “People go to Hell” and “God’s will be done”?
What was marriage in the Bible?
Why does David Hubbard say inerrancy is irrelevant?
Are the 4 different lists of Spiritual gifts exhaustive?
What is speaking in tongues in acts about?
How can 3 million people exodus Egypt?
Did Paul or Jesus need a Masters degree?
If we admit that we have no autographs but have only flawed replications, how can we debate anything with complete certainty?
Is ordination in the Bible?
Rectify this… “God is Love” and some people just need rain to live!

-Ha Kohen
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Odd Thoughts from Brad Childs

God is Love. I hear this all the time and it is clear that people have very little idea what this means. So God is Love, yeah... but this is not equative. It is not God = Love. Love does not = God. Just because God is Love it doesn't mean that we can limit Him to "God is Only Love". God is also "Just" (Rom. 2:11), "Simple" (John 1:18; 4:24), "Merciful (Ex 3:7), and about a billion other things. If God is Love he also punishes in a just and rightfull way. Before you say "God is Love" to someone, please read how God's love worked out for the Egyptian or look at how Christ looks at His return "with fire in His eyes".

-Brad Childs

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Buddha’s Corner (Brought to you this time by Ha Kohen)

When I was young I was taught that only those who have asked Jesus into their hearts are saved. At the time I became very worried about a friend of mine. This friend had a rather serious speech impediment and could not pronounce the name Jesus. In my foolishness I thought that not being able to pronounce the name of God meant that he might not know the same Lord that I did.
A few years ago I began to think on this subject a it more and came up with a few more questions. I wondered, “What if a person had only the book of Matthew, but believed?” Would that person know the same Jesus that I know? Though at first that may sound odd, I genuinely believe it to be an important question. If a person only had the book of Matthew or Mark he/she would be very limited in their understanding of Jesus. This got me thinking.
What if someone had only the book of Matthew and believed, but that particular copy of the book had been altered? What if the name Jesus was replaced with the name Buddha? Would it still be the same God? Would it still be Jesus? Do we even say Jesus correctly? No, in fact, we don’t. Does pronouncing or spelling the name in different ways affect what God hears? Does having only a very limited view of God and having his name wrong really mean that others worship a different God? Exactly how much knowledge of Jesus do you need before God knows you’re talking about Him? Does a person have to fully understand the Trinity to be saved? Most people in the pews and even in Seminary have what could technically be considered a “heretical view” of the trinity.
What about those people in the second century who didn’t have a developed view of the Trinity? Does God get confused simply because we do?
Lately a major problem for me has been that I see Christ in the Old Testament. Many of you are now wondering why that is a problem. After all, that seems like a basic statement of faith doesn’t it? Well yes and no. the problem comes when I read things like “Abraham was saved by grace through faith”. The normal teaching of the Christina Church has always been that Abraham was saved by faith tin Jesus Christ – whom he did not yet know. After all Jesus did say that “no one gets to the Father except through me”. Is God unchanging (Ps 102:27; Mal. 3:6; James 1:17) or is He not? Is God somehow weaker now than he was before? Like many modern people, Abraham didn’t know the name of Jesus. He had never read Matthew or possibly anything at all for that matter. He knew no Trinity, no Spirit, no Son. He even had a fairly week understanding of the Father in many ways.
Now I am left with just one question in my mind… What do you think???

“Clearly the Bible teaches that Jesus is the only way to the Father, but what it doesn’t tell us is if there are other ways to Jesus.” - C.S. Lewis

-Ha Kohen

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Would We Recognize Jesus Today?

Christ has come to bring unity to humanity through love by taking the form of a perfect man. He is the ideal that we should try to emulate. But are we trying to follow the Christ that we want him to be or the one that he actually is? Some early Christian traditions of Jesus’ appearance would startle many of us if we have grown up with the handsome picture of Christ that our present-day Church portrays. It is hard to imagine that Jesus could have been a short, bald, fat, hunchback leper? But this is exactly what some early traditions have pictures Jesus as. It does of course seem much easier to reconcile this Jesus with the prophecy of Isaiah. But the Jesus of the Bible is much different than what we believe him to be. He is far from our ideal, but He is certainly the ideal for God.

For a second let us Judge Jesus by the standards of this particular conservative evangelical college: Jesus was a man who like to drink wine. When confronted by religious official about his he replied, “The bridegroom is with them for a short time” a kind of early form of “let’s party” for those of us in the know. We are in fact talking about someone who made more wine for people who had partied for 8 days and already drank hundreds of gallons. Perhaps it is time to set aside out preconceived notions and see what Jesus really was like and how he is represented in the Bible.

Although this is enough to keep Jesus from being admitted as a student on many evangelical campus’ Jesus would have more problems getting in as well. For example His reference letter would be quite poor to say the least. I can almost hear them in the admission department: “We can’t let him in, his friends are all corrupt bureaucrats, prostitutes drunks and losers.” Not one of the academic or religious elite would dare indorse Him. What minister would vouch for the character of someone who seemed to read his Bible as if it were allegorical, even though it was clearly not intended this way?

Jesus also had the wrong kind of past. He liked to poke fun at religious institutes in his time. Remember “You den of vipers!” or Jesus saying “Raca”; most bibles don’t even bother translating this one. We say things like “we don’t really know exactly what it means”. Well let me tell you even the conservative views put this at least pretty close to a swear if not just an obvious one. At any rate I have to say, “It aint nice!” The fact of the matter is that Jesus hung out the people from the wrong side of the tracks and made fun of the wealthy and the pious. In His day the Church wanted to throw Him off a cliff. Eventually of course they did manage to kill him; I don’t think I need to elaborate on this one. If Jesus did manage to somehow sneak into school. He would certainly never sign one of those student contracts – he could never keep it. At our school it says you can be expelled for creating “controversy”!

Jesus said that He came to divide not to unify. He splits families and causes hardships. He is not merely the quite and solemn man we often make Him out to be. He can to break down walls and traditions and to stop the labeling of people or segregation of groups.

What did Jesus look like? Would were recognize Him today? It may be that for all our study and all our attempts to understand Him, and all our snobbery projected at the religious leaders in Biblical times we are no better then they. It may be that we would do the same things; treat Him the same way. It may be that we would kill him too!

-Trent Derrick and Brad Childs

______________________________________________

?????ASK JAPUTI ??????

Dear Japuti:
If Jesus was raide from the dead in Physical Bodily Form, does that mean he eats and then poops? Just a Question!
Dear Loyal Follower,
Yes!
All hail to the might power of Japuti~! I do not deat or poop or have wet dreams or any other limitation that come natuarlly to human bodies. Hail, Hail, Hail!
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Sorry Everyone! Poorly Drawn Cartoons is not yet available online.

The Realist Online Issue 2

2006-08-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

The Realist Issue 2: Sacred Sneakers

A look at pre-Babylonian exilic magic

Though our Christian society has created a sometimes-exaggerated appeal to the Bible for its disapproval and suspicions of magic, it has marked this search by the overriding principal that deemed magic as being unavoidably coupled with Satanism. The truth however is much less dramatic, and it begins with a simple fact. There is no distinction made between so-called “white: and “black” magic. Instead magic is a kind of wonder working, almost totally devoid of any real regular for “religion”. It is rather, something that simply exists. What’s more, this fact is never explicitly denied in the bible, but rather the contrary is true as the power of magic is upheld. (In addition to this period one might suggest that magic powers are never denied within the bible or even the early church as they held to numerous Christian incantations. This is however far beyond the scope of this article.)

Prominent members of ancient cultic societies preformed neither distinctively “black” nor “white” magic. Though it was generally assumed that these acts of enchantment were meant for the good of society, they were simply the actions of “magicians” and nothing more. It should be noted that no censorious statements are made concerning their intent. (Is. 19:3; Dan 2:2) More to the point, for Israel, there is no connection between magic and demonology as many might commonly presuppose. Magicians preformed their word independently of apparitions.

When Moses and Aaron encounter the Egyptian magicians it is not portrayed as a contest between opposing divinities. No god is invoked; no deals are made, no evil is called upon. Instead when these sorcerers are incapable of replication they do not profess, “Surely your God is more powerful than ours” They are in fact heard to remark, “This is the finger f God” (Ex. 8:15). For the sorcerers, it seems that God exists (perhaps many gods) and yet no god had anything to do with his or her work. Magic and gods seem to be completely independent of each other. The story of Balaam supports this as well. Just as seen before, the powers of the sorcerer seem to be both real and independently preformed without outside aid. Balaam performs his curses in Num. 22:18 without the assistance of any supernatural being and pays homage to no deity or devil. We do not read anywhere in this text whereby Balaam calls upon the name of any God, demon or anything at all for that matter. Indeed Balaam, were he to call upon a gad, would almost certainly have chosen UHWH to call upon.

The reality is that the Bible does not deny the power of magic, nor does it seek to impugn evil spirits for the conjuring that clearly exists within even our own present day reality. To the contrary, the power of magic is assuredly stated as the magicians of Pharaoh Do work marvelous wonders’ wonders that should not and need not be seen as trickery. To the contrary, the curse of Balaam is real. In fact, the curse is so real and so strong that UHWH must counteract the curse with a blessing. Surely God didn’t find it necessary to counteract something that did not / does not exist?

Still if magic is real and it is not based on evil as the terms “black magic” and “white magic” suggest, then why does God ban magic under penalty of death? (Ex. 22:17) It is my opinion that this is done for one simple reason: Magic is repeatedly linked with human wisdom” (Is 47:10; Ps 58:6; Dan 2:13). The clash between God and magic is seen as these acts drive an even deeper wedge between Godly and finite wisdom. The magic reformed is a magic of arrogance. It is a form of idol worship that blinds humanity to the ultimate power of YHWH. When magic is forbade, God’s wisdom is finally revealed, whereby humanity is left with nothing by the capacity to emulate the men of Pharaoh and acknowledge the “finger of God”.

By Brad Childs
____________________________________________

Whoroscope

Aries – Keep trying. If at first you don’t succeed try stalking!

Taurus – The warning light is on – on no further you loon! Conan says “she‘s about to call you an older brother man… abort the mission!

Gemini – An award show nobody watches (It’s Canadian”

Cancer – Have you checked my pants?

Leo – A possessive freak that spent 18 years painting a woman.

Virgo – You suck Virgo’s

Libra – I looked it up in the dictionary. This is the no no touch place.

Scorpio – It is time to come out of the closet. Jesus will still love you.
Sagittarius – If you cannot get rid of those 10lbs, recent studies have proven that cocaine diets do wonders for weight loss, but it can get quite expensive. Apply for larger loans now.

Capricorn – This is what ends up in the toilet after you eat corn.

Aquarius – Dud my fish is getting huge in the backyard pool.

Pisces – You don’t believe in horoscopes.

By Cutty Sark
================================================

Denominations: The Modern Equivalent to "I am of Paul" and "I am of Apollos" (1Cor 3:4)

What is with the Chrisitan church these days? I look around and see more and more divisions each time I ipen my eyes! Don't think I'm just talking about Calvinists or lutherans. Baptists spilt more often then they use the bathroom. Are we so differnt. Are we so hard-lined that we couldn't worship God simply because we happened to be standing next to someone with a differnt view. The truth is that Christians beleive in ONE GOD, and One Church. Grow Up!

This weeks How The Hell Old Are You award goes to EVERYONE BUT THE CATHOLICS

-Loft

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Prayer on behalf of the dead: Why not?

Last week I had a friend go in for ordination interviews. The interviews were to be help on Monday and he had asked me to pray for him precisely at 2:00, as he would be beginning the process at that time. I of course, agreed to pray for him and so I did.

It was shortly after 2:00 when I began to think about what had been asked of me. What I began to think was – why pray right at that moment? As Christians we believe that God is not bound by time or space. He is outside our reality. Why then does it matter when I pray? Technically could I not pray for the interview next year? God will hear it, or already have heard it long ago because he knows all. To deny this is to say that God is then than perfect and less than all-powerful. It seems to me that I could presumably pray for anyone at any time and God would honor that prayer no more or less than he would any other at any other time. Because this is true… why then can we not pray on behalf of the dead? If I were to sit down right now and pray for the salvation of my best friend from High School, would that not have an effect on an all knowing God? Would God not have known of this prayer long before I even came to be?

Now I am not suggesting that God will hear our prayers and suddenly throw open the gates to heaven. What I am saying though, is that God could have already taken into account the prayers that we have not yet uttered. He could have already taken into account prayers for John the Baptist delivered to Him just today. Perhaps the more you pray today the more God acted in the past upon your requests. Prayer on behalf of the dead… why not?

-Ha Kohen

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A Catholic view on the Baptist Movement

The Baptist church is constantly splitting. It is the wrinkly foreskin of the Body of Christ. If you keep acting like you are an infection, you may just find yourself circumcised.

-Cutty Sark

==========================================

Ask Japuti

Japuti is our resident engraved idol mask. Ask him all your question and wait for his responses. (The first question comes from an e-mail sent to the old Realist site)

Dear Japuti,

Hey Japuti! A friend of mine always uses the artice "the" when addressing Jesus as if it were a proper title. For example: he often says things like, "Did the Jesus tell youto say that?" What do you think of this?

Dear Follower,

Bow before the awsome power and infinite might of Japuti!!! Your friend most likely speaks with malicious intent but he is right. Often the Greek uses the definite article "the" before the name of Jesus. Even though your friend is attempting to insult you, he is actually closer to the truth than you are!

Bow Bow BOW!!!

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A Short Tuition Rant

Schools and government often treat tuition loans like an oppuntinity to plunder from a whole new generation. We are raising an entire generatin of people that hold more debt before graduation than most people had for their mortgage just 20 years ago. The more the schools raise tutition the fewer students they will get and so the more they will carge the following year. This is an endless cirle and we are all trapped in it. As a minister I have nearly 100,000 in student loans. Yet despite having a higher level of education than most I will recieve about 1/3 the average salary for someone with comparable schooling.

I'm not saying churches need to pay more (though some should). I'm saying education should be cheaper or refelct future wages.

-Anonymouns

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Questions to ask your teacher or pastor?

Do you consume alcohol?

Do you believe it's wrong to dance?

Do you beleive in Evolution?

Do you beleive that women are allowed to Pastor churches?

Do you Swear?

Should people who were baptized as babies be re-baptiszed?

Do you beleive that the story of Noah's ark is a historical event?

Did Moses write the 5 books of Moses (Even where he says he's humble or where he dies)?

Is Samson a real guy? (fox tails seriously)

Is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah about homosexuality>

Are people born gay?

Why do you work here?

By Loft G.

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Buddha's Corner

If we have a positive mental attitude, then even when surrounded by positivity we shall not lack inner peace. On the other hand, if our mental attitude is more negative, influenced by fear, suspicion, helplessness, or self-loathing, then even when surounded by our best friends, in a nice atmosphere and comfortable surroundings, we shall not be happy. So, mental attitude is very important: it makes a real difference to our state of happindess. For those of you who seem to dislike this, just remember all truth is Gods truth: So shut up!

__________________________________________________

The Realist Online Issue 1

2006-08-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

The Realist Issue 1

We would like to state that this paper is a work of comedy. The views presented in the work are not those of our school or professors and in some cases not even our own.

While many copies of our paper have been destroyed by well-meaning modern Nazis, this online copy is fairly permanent so if you have a problem with it - you will just have to leave a comment.

Stop the Book Burning!

___________________________________

Editor Preface: Stalin in School

Freedom of speech does not seem to be an important right to some of the people around here. Some believe that any opinion contrary to the idealistic Christian should be repressed. Are we so weak in our faith that we feel insecure enough to hide from the slightest challenge? Shame on you! Where would we be if Luther did not challenges the "true" universal church? Ideas are the fuel that feed progress and lead to truth - if open discussion is allowed or at least tolerated. To those of you who tear up the work of others, Stalin salutes you! Silencing challenges leads to ignorant dogmatism. We are not asking you to agree with everything we say. We are simply asking you to do something most Christians have forgotten how to do - Think.

Remember God is big enough to defend himself.

With all our Love
-Bastard Bob

=================================
And Now for the Pentecostal Minute

Grrrrr. Bibbliele msiltic mnmudufu? Kerflufal unsdsese mahomedddd! Mdsusdu thsdhogh flrrrrrr. Frrrr. Bark Bark! Flufle fluffle!!!

Interpretation:Good Luck on the Realist. Enlighten the masses through questions and sarcasim.
Your buddy, Jesus
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Today’s Whoroscopes

Aries – You are impulsive. You will go out with anyone who asks. But beware some of the people who might ask are of the same sex! This may create problems for some.

Taurus – This is the worst car on the market. Seriously Conan O’Brien has one of these.

Gemini – Tim is running out. You have already been at bridal college for one month. If you haven’t found anyone to marry but the end of today you will be alone forever!

Caner – Caner is something I have in my pants.

Leo – You are a large fore headed your man that hasn’t done a decent film since “what’s Eating Gilbert Grape”.

Virgo – Isn’t that a kind of Yamaha?

Libra – I’m pretty sure that’s a part of a women’s body. It may be in the “no no touch place”. If any asks just scream, “I need an adult” over and over and you will be just fine.

Scorpio – You are unwilling to up with anything. This may or may not affect your life. You may end up a Bolger.

Sagittarius – You will gain yet another 10lbs. Boys will never go out with you. Your self-esteem will all but disappear. But you will eat well.
Capricorn – this is what old people eat.

Aquarius – Dud I heard if you put a gold fish in one of these he’ll get only so big, but if you put it in your swimming pool it’ll get like crazy huge!

Pisces – This is in a Nirvana Song! It must be from the Devil!

___________________________________________

His birth was predicted

He was called a prince

He waled on water

He rose from the dead

He fed the masses

He was a teacher

he gave up his thrown for humanity

He was...

Buddha!

In Buddhism we believe that nonmaterial things behave just like material things do. At the same time, from the Buddhist point of view, our ability to perceive physical matter cannot provide the sole basis for our knowledge of the world. An example of a nonmaterial thing might be the concept of time. Time is concomitant with the physical world but cannot point to an existing item in any material way. There is also the idea of consciousness. This is the means by which we perceive things and experience pain and pleasure. Conciseness is held not to be physical. There is more to the world than that can be seen or heard. The material is not truly real.

This is Buddha’s Corner.

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How the Hell Old Are You?

The other day in the hall I heard some over zealous dolt talking about how he got a 99% on some assignment. Of course, he was all distraught about the 1% that was taken off for a spelling error or whatever the hell it might have been. Our hero however would never be content with such an evaluation… Would he? Of course not! You seem despite what he might lead you to believe, he’s not actually intelligent at all. He’s really quite daft. Oh his grades are good; great in fact. Just like that airhead girl you used to go out with in high school. He’s really just an idiot with no self-esteem. Oh, but don’t hat him. He just needs to prove to himself that he’s not a loser. What’s that you say? “Even a loser would be happy with 99%.” Well jimmy, to that I can only way, “Wake the hell up; you must not be paying much attention!” No! Not by any strength of the imagination is he happy. Instead, he thinks it’s better to moan and complain about that 1% on one assignment; 1% that works out to about .001% or his total grade. Unlike a normal considerate human being, he thinks it’s better to that tired underpaid professor and interrupt his or her hand word with a petty little argument, each time he’s not satisfied with the errors he’s made. And don’t think that he’ll let up either. No sir! Not our here! You see little Jimmy, somewhere in his past this you man probably screamed at some ever more underpaid kindergarten teacher and got an extra sticker on his macaroni picture. No doubt she gave in because he peed his pants and all the other kids made fun of him all of the time. Ever since then he has known the secret to good grades. That’s right kids; the secret is that teacher can be weak willed’ they will give in to you in disgust after a fair amount of time witnessing you little temper tantrums! Our subjugator knows no bounds. He know that if he can only simulate the feeling of a hemorrhoid on the teachers backside for long enough that once well-respected educator will bow down to his moronic 1% knowing all to well that it means absolutely nothing when added onto the final grade. And so I say, “Praise be to you winy little girl!” You are our hero! You who cares only for yourself. You, who dedicated your life to nothing more than the ink it takes to print a letter on your grade card. You who seeks so desperately for approval. I salute you with this issues “How The Hell Old Are You Award!” Grow up!

-By Ha Kohen

The Online Realist

2006-08-22T09:51:00.001-07:00

THE REALIST

The Realist is a small independant newspaper published by a few students at an evangelical Christian University College and Seminary.

The paper is a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously - so if you don't like it screw off. Oh... and this is not english class so don't bother correcting my grammer or puctuation!

You should also note that nearly half the original content as well as our usual stylish set up has also been removed. This is a straight foreword version. Enjoy

And remember the screw-off thing from earlier!
-In Jesus Name